Light At The End Of Sorrow
by AllyInWonderland
Summary: When Tommy goes missing, Jude takes comfort in an old friend. She soon comes to realize though, that relying on someone else to lift you back up, comes at a price..give it a try...this one I actually like lol.
1. Chapter 1: Shattered

Chapter 1: Stricken.

a/n Kind of an Altered Universe here in this story. It came to my mind at the oddest moment defin

worth the read.

She kept on living her life in the room where he had last been.  
Sometimes her mind played tricks on her and she kept hearing  
his voice. His scent still lingered in every corner of this  
apartment. His clothes hung in the closets. She slept in  
his bed, ate with his knife and fork, drank out of his cup.  
It was like he had never left. She kept on dreaming that he  
would walk through the door at any moment. She knew that  
it wasn't possible. But still she clung to that dream.  
She lived like the ghost she was: only half alive.  
She wore his clothes, just be close to him. Sometimes she  
found herself speaking to him. Everywhere she turned his face  
was before her. She welcomed him with a smile, wanting the  
company of his memory. When she gave herself to the night  
she prayed that God would send her to him. But he wasn't  
listening. Every time she opened her eyes and saw the morning  
light her heart ached. She resented God for keeping her on  
this earth when her only love was so far away.

He moved slowly, not wanting to intrude in her world. Her face  
wore the marks of sorrow and her eyes were painted black with  
pain. His heart ached for her. His arms longed to hold her.  
But he feared rejection. He wasn't the man she wanted to be  
held by and that hurt. Sometimes he wished that he could  
reach inside her heart and take away all the sorrow that kept  
it down. But he knew that he wasn't the man to break the   
chains of sorrow that kept her heart down. She had to  
walk that path alone. He knew about sorrow. He knew all to  
well about the pain that can cloud your mind so totally that  
you can't breathe. He knew about the desperation of finding  
the answer to why. But he knew that the search for an answer  
would lead you nowhere. As he stood by her side he prayed  
that the passing of time would mend her heart and bring her  
closer to him.

She wanted the pain. She deserved it. Sometimes when she left  
the apartment she felt guilty for leaving him behind. The sun  
no longer warmed her face. The world had turned black in a  
instance. She was still amazed that the world was still  
standing. Don't they know that he's dead?  
Her lips still longed for his. Her arms still longed for his  
embrace. She wanted to hold him. She wanted to feel him close.  
Just for a moment. Maybe then she would be fine. Maybe then  
her heart could start beating again. But her prayers remained  
unheard.

He found her by the window. His heart trembled a bit when  
he saw her reflection in the window. She looked so lonely.  
He moved towards her, wanting to say something. He wanted to  
do something. He wanted to find the right words to ease her  
pain. But he knew all those words would just seem shallow.  
So he just stood there, waiting for her to move.  
She knew he was there but she didn't know why he had come.  
She wanted to turn around and ask him to leave but she  
couldn't bring herself to push him away. She felt safe knowing  
that he was there.  
His hands tremble as he reached out and touched her.  
- Please, let me hold you.  
She wanted to slip from his hand. She wanted to push him away.  
She didn't want his sympathy. But her need to be held won  
over her sense of pride. She moved into his arms and let her  
head settle against his chest. No words were spoken. He wrapped  
his strong arms around her and she felt so safe. She stood  
there her feeling the warmth of his body against her own. The  
beating of his heart calmed her a bit.  
- Please, talk to me, Jude.  
How can you put sorrow into words? How can you describe the   
pain that eats at your heart? How can you describe the longing  
your soul feels?  
- I can't. I feel so dead inside. I can't breathe. When I try  
I feel like my whole heart is going to explode. I want him   
back.  
She was crying now. She pressed her face against his chest as  
the flood of pain hit her again and again.  
He wanted so desperately to tell her that she would be fine one  
day and there was a light in the darkness. But he knew it  
wasn't the right thing to do. He wanted just to hold her while  
was crying.  
- I will never hear his laughter. I will never feel the warmth  
of his hand in mine. I will never feel his arms around me  
again. Never again. How can I live like that? How can I go  
on knowing that. I will never see him again.  
- Yes, you will and you have to believe that.  
- I have stopped believing. I stopped believing the day he  
went away.  
She broke away from his arms and stumbled backwards.  
- He wouldn't like to see you like this. You have to let him  
go.  
- Give me your hand.  
He gave it with out hesitation. She placed it over her heart  
and said:  
- Can you feel it? Can you feel it? My heart is  
shattered.  
He closed his eyes and whispered:  
- Please, Jude. You have to let him go, otherwise it will  
kill you.  
- Let death come. I embrace it.  
- Don't say that.  
- I can't take this pain any longer, I'm so tired of   
feeling like this. I feel so empty. I feel so lost.  
- I'm here for you, Jude. Let me help you.  
- I wish you could but you can't.  
She turned away from him and whispered:  
- Please, go.  
- Please, let me stay with you.  
- No, I need to be alone right now.  
He stood there for a while searching for the right words but  
found nothing. He knew he had to let her go. As he turned  
around and walked out of the door he prayed that she one day  
would find her way back to him.

She listened as his footsteps died away. He was gone. She was  
already missing him. But she knew she had to be alone with  
her memories. She feared that her memories started to fade  
already. She wanted to cling to them, lock them up in a safe  
place. She feared that the memory of him started to fade.  
What would happen when she couldn't remember the colour of his  
eyes? Or the feel of his lips against hers? Can memories fade?  
She wanted to freeze time, fearing that the passing of time  
would make her memory blurry.  
She would never feel his arms around her again. She would  
never be able to touch him again. She was completely alone.  
She closed her eyes and tasted those words.  
Alone.  
Alone.  
Alone.  
Alone.


	2. Chapter 2: Whispering Rain

Chapter 2: Whispering Rain

She couldn't believe it had actually been a month, since Tommy went missing. Something had happened. He got mixed up with the wrong people. They gave up. They gave up looking for him. He was presumed dead now. Everyone around her made her believe the same. She could feel her heart twinge. They had held a small Memorial Service not long after the search for the one who owned her heart had ended. She couldn't live on like this could she? Could she live like she only had a shell, only had skin to cover her bones, like she was empty inside without him? She prayed to the heavens through the rain, and seconds of her beating heart, that maybe they were wrong, But nothing. Nothing. Everyone kept telling her, that she had to let herself have closure. She didn't understand, why? Why would they stop! This can't be happening!

She felt like a walking zombie at this point. She tried the best that she could. When she would eat she would be sick. Starbucks had become her best friend. Her music only reflected her sorrow. She felt stuck, living in a world she shouldn't be. She'd pull herself out of bed each morning, dragging her body into motion. How could she feel so dead inside? Her smile faded into a deep sleepless pale, which evaded her features. She no longer paid attention to the looks people gave. She didn't need their pity. She needed him. She needed him back, for him to just walk up to her, and tell her with his own mouth, that they are wrong. Was that so much to ask for?

Jude plowed through the back door of G-Major. Why did he even want her here? She couldn't handle the looks anymore. Not even waiting for Sadie to process that she was leaving, Jude began to walk. Cold rain pelted her skin, making her feel a little more numb on the outside, but nothing compared to how her heart felt now. She let the tears flow as she walked faster. Letting the rain completely soak into her skin. She hadn't noticed anything else around her. It was like her feet carried her without hesitation or a thought.

It wasn't long before she realized she was standing in front of the park. She turned down its path, Rain now dripping from her hair, and body. Even in the cold wet. She needed to feel him, somewhere, somehow. She didn't care if it was just a small memory. The path seemed more winded than normal. Maybe her brain was disillusioned at this point.

"Jude?" She heard her name being called. She looked around fiercely for the source of the all too familiar voice, but found nothing. "Jude, I love you. Don't let me go," Okay now she was definitely losing it. She was hallucinating, but that would consist of seeing something wouldn't it. Audibly she knew. "Where are you?!" She yelled out. Sobs choked inside her throat. "Tommy I can't ever let you go. Tommy!"

"Jude I told you, remember," She heard a small whisper, like the wind at the top of the trees. She opened her ears to listen.

"Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. Don't be one of them Jude. You are stronger than this girl. I will always be with you," With that the voice had disappeared.

"Tommy! No! Come Back! I can't do this without you. You know that!" She let her body fall into the wet grass, shaking with sobs and chills. "I'm not strong without you Tommy!" She yelled to the sky of whispering rain. "I'm not even me without you! Come back to me! Please!" She let the sobs over take her, huddling into a ball in the grass. She couldn't do this. Why did he think she could? She couldn't even think rationally. Her body was here but her soul was lost. She had to have been imagining things. If only someone could give her a sign, some type of clarity. How could she have closure knowing nothing?

"Tommy?" Jude looked to the Sky. "I love you, come back to me, please." Maybe she could trick fait into bringing him back to her. She might not have the strength but she knew her need for him was strong enough on its own. She was stupid, how could she trick fate when she couldn't even trick herself. "Take me with you Tommy," She whispered. Now feeling the agony of the coldness settle in her bones. She knew it wouldn't happen.

Jude forced herself to stand. Looking back once before she began to walk, feeling her body shiver against the coldness. She wasn't sure where she was going but she didn't care. She felt like she was screaming endlessly inside. No one would listen. No one would help.

What seemed like hours later, she found herself standing outside a door. Not quite sure how she'd even gotten there. Her skin felt like ice. As she rose her hand to knock, but before she could the door was open in front of her.

"Jude!" A hand grabbed her pulling her inside. "What are you doing?! Are you nuts. You're freezing. She felt herself being pushed into a chair, then a blanket surrounding her. "Wait here I need to get you some dry cloths before you catch your death."

"Why?" She asked herself. Isn't that what she wanted. Isn't that what she was? She was dead inside. Nothing, without him. She meant nothing, but still she sat waiting. Not sure exactly why. She felt her cloths being stripped from her body, being replaced with drier, and warmer cloths. "Jude your in shock, you have to let me get you warm" She heard his voice, but it felt far away. She was slowly fading out. She couldn't control it. She felt herself being carried, and set into a bed. She was covered with blankets, her eyes fluttered closed. For the first time in over a month, she had succumbed to the physical exhaustion, her body falling into a heavy sleep. 


	3. Chapter 2: Continued

A few hours later she awoke, Feeling a cool hand touch her. "Jude. I made some soup, please Jude. I need you to try and eat." She could see the pain, and fear for her, reflect in his eyes, she accepted. What could it hurt? She moved her aching body into a sitting position. He helped her pull the pillows up behind her, knowing her body was physically sated. Once she was completely situated, he set a tray in front of her. Consisting of Chicken Noodle Soup, and come Orange juice.

"Jude?" He sat down in the chair next to the bed. "I know you feel like there is nothing worth living life for anymore, but you have to know that you are strong, you can do this, you can get past this." He sighed as he watched tears form in her eyes.

"Oh yeah? Then why don't you tell me how? Huh? I'm obviously doing a lousy job at it. Don't you get it? Dammit I'm nothing," She lowered her voice, letting her chin hit her chest. "Not without him I'm not." Tears slid quietly down her face. She had thought it was a dream. She remembered something very similar to them words, in the park. She suddenly remembered how she'd actually gotten here. She heard him. She heard his voice. He can't be dead right? Not like this? She was losing it wasn't she?

Jude moved the stand of food away suddenly. She stood up. "I can't do this. I'm…I'm Sorry. I have to go." She darted quickly from the room, finding her wet shoes, and purse, she went swiftly back out the door.

Outside the rain had stopped, she knew she wasn't to far away. If she could just summon the energy to get there. She forced her feet into motion. One in front of the other, Until she'd found herself at her destination. She half wondered if he'd followed her, but the thought escaped her quickly as it came. "Why would he? It's not like I'm worth it anymore," She told herself.

Jude fumbled with the keys, dropping them several time, not being able to get them into the lock. Finally she dropped to a crouch, and focused all her energy into getting the key into the hole. After a couple times, she was finally able to unlock the door. She made her way inside. Once the door was closed behind her. Without warning she dropped to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably. He was really gone. He wasn't going to be there when she showed up at work the next day. Or the day after that. Or ever again. He wasn't going to stop by with peace offerings, of dinner when ever he'd done something that she felt was wrong. He was never going to throw anymore crazy lyrics at her, making her the great musician she was now. Never again would he keep her awake at night, working through stubborn chords, Never would he be there to hold her, when everything fell down. Never would she hear his soft words in her ear, while they lay together at night…

Didn't anyone realize just how much a part of her he was? How much he has changed her polarized views. How he'd let her see things, in a different perspective than she'd ever thought of before. How he'd been there for her, all the time without question, for the most part anyway. He was her rock when things got screwed up, and he hardly ever asked her to be his. He took his pain and kept it inside, not wanting to burden others with, an inexcusable past.

On her hands and knees Jude crawled into the corner of the room, pulling her legs up to her chest, where she sobbed and sobbed until she was shaking and there were no more tears left.

She had lost him, he was gone, and he wasn't ever coming back. There was no use in hope anymore. Why couldn't she just wrap her brain around it? "I can't do this anymore! Don't you see?" She screamed helplessly to the ceiling above her.

She quieted, and after a while managed to pull herself off the floor, in search for the washroom. She opened the cabinet, searching through medications. Sleeping pills, she needed to sleep now, or she just might kill herself with grief.

She made her way out onto the chesterfield, turning on the TV, she flipping through the channels aimlessly, until she settled on an old movie. She felt herself become dizzy with sleep, not too long after. The darkness scared her now, but she could no longer keep her eyes open.

Writhing and wincing, she awoke her body in a cold sweat. The old movie was still on. She hadn't slept that long at all apparently. She sank back into the chesterfield to watch it, and reached for the phone to dial Tommy's number as she wondered what he was doing. She dialed and waited, the answering machine picking up in its wake, when she heard his voice it all came flooding back to her. Why didn't she think?! 

Starting to cry and shake again, she dropped the phone, pulling her legs up, huddling into the corner of the chesterfield, and began to rock back and fourth, trying with all her heart to forget, but then to not forget. She wanted him to be there so badly but he was gone. She longed to hear his voice on the other end, not just some recording. She longed for him. Feeling completely alone again. Nothing else in the world mattered anymore. She hadn't the closure she needed. She was falling apart.

She knew she heard a knock at the door, but she didn't budge, she hadn't the strength anymore. Someone was here, but without him, her world was empty. She needed to hear his words again. To feel his arms around her, telling her how beautiful she was, even when she didn't believe it. He'd told her he couldn't live without her, how does he expect her to live without him.

She heard a key enter the lock and the door open. "Jude?" The voice filtered through her ears almost nonexistenT. "Jude?" came the voice again, what use was it. She was good at this now...


	4. Chapter 3: The Right Of Way

Chapter 3: The Right Of Way.

The next morning, before Jude even had the chance to open her eyes completely. She found herself doubled over the toilet in the washroom dry retching. She felt a gentle pair of hands pull her hair away from her face, rubbing gentle circles on her back. "It's going to be okay sweetie," She hard a soft voice at her side, soothing her. She couldn't seem to find her voice just yet to say something back. She continued to retch until her stomach had had enough, and with help, she made her way to the sink, brushing her teeth. She was back….But how? And when? Jude didn't remember too much from the night before. She felt like she had left herself.

"Sadie?" Jude questioned. "How? When? When did you?" Jude couldn't think straight. "Jude I had to come back, and don't think it was completely because of you. I decided, that I can't do it anymore. I've been thinking about it for a while. My place is here, not in California Jude. Right now you need me more than anything, and I need to be here with you."

"I don't need anything, from anyone," Jude whispered, drying her hands, and making her way out of the washroom. Sadie followed in her wake. "Listen to me Jude, I know how stubborn you can be, and trust me I can be just as damn stubborn." Sadie grabbed Jude's arm. "Listen to me Jude now. You need to snap out of this. I know you are in pain, I know you feel like nothing else matters right now, but do you think that Tommy would want to see you like this? What if you were right in the beginning, Jude you have to have hope, and nothing is ever going to be set straight if you let yourself die! I won't sit here and watch it! And I'm not going away. You don't need to gain complete control Jude, but at least let me be here for you!." Sadie finished.

Jude looked at her, her eyes wide for a moment. What did she mean by maybe she was right? That Tommy could possibly be alive? Jude felt her heart swell. For the first time in forever, she felt a glimmer of hope again. Even if she'd felt like she'd retched up her toes. She felt herself being brought into her sister's arms, as tears spread down her face. You would think there wouldn't be any tears left by now, but once again she was surprised. "Sadie I need him…" "I know sweetie, I know, but listen to me. We both know Tommy is strong Jude, he always has been. Jude I feel like this is all wrong, and I think you are right. But if we are wrong, Jude and they are right, I will be right here. Sweetie I'm not going anywhere, No matter what happens."

Jude sniffed, pulling away from her sister a bit. "Thank You Sadie," She whispered, wiping her eyes. "I just don't know. I can't pull myself together Sades. Life without him, doesn't feel like life at all."

"I know Jude, but it gets easier. It may not seem like it right now, but Jude I promise you that it does."

"How do I know that Sades? I feel like my heart is falling to pieces." 

"Jude you are one of the strongest people I know. Even if I didn't see it when we were younger, it's the truth, and I know you have the strength to get through this, and I will be here for you every step of the way."

Sadie hugged Jude once more, before taking her hand and proceeding into the kitchen. "Jude I want you to try and eat something, I made breakfast, please sit and at least try." Jude nodded and sat down, just as Sadie set a plate in front of her, with a glass of juice on the side. She looked at Sadie seeing a glint in her eyes. Sadie had an inkling about something, she knew it, but she wasn't sure what. She decided not to ask just yet.

When they had actually finished their breakfast, Jude found herself able to function bit better, aside from the nausea which had been nagging at her since before she'd even awoke. She decided to jump into the shower and dress in some real clothing today.

When she had returned, Sadie was sitting on the Chesterfield watching something that had come across the news. Jude sat down next to her, not even giving the Television a glance. "Sadie, do you think…" She stopped dead in the middle of her sentence, suddenly she felt extremely sick again, not sure why, she clapped a hand over her lips, and made a run for the washroom. Sadie jumped up after her, to help comfort her sister once again.

When Jude finally finished, and was brushing her teeth for about the third time that morning. "Jude I'm calling Darius, I know he hasn't been that great of a person to you lately, but you are not going into work like this." Sadie stated, the phone already in her hands. Jude decided it would be best to just lay back down for a bit, and let her stomach settle.

Jude hadn't realized she'd fallen back asleep until Sadie had shaken her awake. "What? What is it?" Jude felt like her heart was in her throat.

"Calm down Jude, it's nothing major. I got something at the store for you. I need you to do something for me." Sadie held something in her hands, as Jude sat herself up. "What do you mean? She asked pushing away a few stray hairs that stuck to her face.

"Just come with me Jude," Sadie helped her from the bed, and led her into the washroom, before showing Jude the box in her hand.

"Sadie are you kidding me!?" Jude exclaimed, her eyes wide. "Jude…" Sadie gave her a look. She hadn't even began to think of something like this until now. It could be possible, but the thought in her head, made her sink. What if?

Jude took the box from Sadie's hands, and slammed the door behind her, putting a little distance between herself in her sister. Her hands shook as she looked at it. Was this really necessary, or possible? She felt warm tears stain her face. She knew what she had to do.

Jude pulled one of two test sticks from the box, and after reading the directions, she did as was said. Now was time for the waiting. Jude set the test on the side of the sink, sitting her trembling body down onto the seat of the toilet. She waited. It said 5 minutes right? She was almost afraid to look at it.

Jude finally tore her vision away from a spot in the tile, of the corner. Glancing over, she took the test into her hands. Her eyes bulging quickly at the result. She left out a stifled sob, as the test fell from her hands. No, no, no, no, no. She couldn't do this. Not without Tommy, and not right now!

A knock sounded on the door, "Jude? Everything alright?" Sadie's voice sounded through the door. "Ummm, Sadie!" Jude felt the world swirl around her, as she stood. Everything was spinning, she grabbed onto the sink, to try and steady herself, swearing she could pass out at any moment. "I n-need you're help," Her voice came sounding weak, and broken once again.

Without hesitation Sadie burst through the washroom door. Grabbing hold of her sister, around the waist, before she could fall. "Jude? What is happening?"

"S-Sadie, I'm pregnant…" her voice trailed off…"Jude! Jude listen to me! It's going to be okay. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. You have to calm down." Sadie glanced at the test, a definite positive, Jude was right. "Sadie no it's not okay! He's gone! And it's not okay!" Jude sobbed letting her body slide down to the floor, with Sadie right beside her. Sadie pulled Jude to her, letting her sob into her chest. "Shhh honey Jude, you have to have hope. Sweetie it's going to be okay. I promise you." Sadie told her, but only found herself in tears also, feeling the pain for her broken sister. She'd never seen Jude like this, and it scared her. She couldn't lose her, she needed to keep her safe.

Sadie continued to hold Jude, until her sobs turned into occasional hiccups. She knew Jude needed her to be strong right now. Without letting go of her sister, she grabbed for a box of tissues, wiping her own face before handing some to Jude. She could feel the pain radiate from her sister. She was terrified now. Maybe Jude honestly could not live without him.

"I swear to you Quincy, you better not be dead, you see what you have here!? She is falling apart! Is this what people want? Get your ass back here, so Jude can come back to us too!" She screamed inside of her mind. Her little sister was falling to pieces, and she couldn't do a damn thing. She felt so helpless at this point. "God, Please give her the strength to deal with this, for her sake, and for this baby, and If I can ask you one more thing. Please bring Tommy back to her. She is right God, she can't live without him, just look at her!" Sadie felt her throat constrict with tears once again.

It felt like hours the two had sat there, cuddled into one another, before Jude finally looked up at her. "I love you Sadie," She whispered. Before managing to pull herself from her sisters embrace. "We, we need to get out of this bathroom," Jude muttered. She was still in shock and she knew it. She couldn't comprehend what she had done so wrong to deserve this. She was losing herself. Losing everything about her. She couldn't write, she couldn't function, she wasn't her anymore. She was like a walking shell of a human being, with nothing left inside to strive for.

Jude mad her way upstairs into her room, leaving herself to her thoughts. She needed to think if it were even possible at this point. She threw herself onto the bed, after clicking on her CD player, music blasted through the cool quiet air around her.

She was pregnant…pregnant with Tommy's baby, a piece of him inside of her. Jude let a hand fall to her flat stomach. A piece of us. How could I ever even have thought of hurting this. I can't. This baby may be the only thing I have left of Tommy, and I swear to God, I am not going to let it go. She told herself, over and over. "I can do this, I can, I can if you would just be here Tommy! Please come back to me…I need you, and more importantly now, our baby needs you…Jude felt like she was talking to the walls. Nothing…It was getting late now, and once again. Another night would go by, without him next to her. Another night without her able to feel him, Another dream, where fear would consume her. She had to feel him….

Jude made her way over to the open window, feeling the light breeze touch her bare arms, and flow through her hair. "Tommy, if you are out there, Just know that I love you. That I need you Tommy, I wish you could here me. There is just so much I want to say, but I just can't. I love you Tommy. Come back to me…"

Jude closed the window, realizing her own fear….She made her way back to her bed, and climbed in. Sadie had checked on her once before she retired to her own bed. Jude pulled her blanket up over her shoulder, to cover the bare skin her nightie hadn't. She wasn't sure why she felt so uncomfortable. She had this weird feeling inside, she couldn't explain.

Jude must have laid there for over an hour before her eyes fluttered closed, and she began to dream once again…


	5. Chapter 4: Trying To Exist

Chapter 4: Trying To Exist.

The gentle, early Autumn sunlight slowly gave way to a cool evening dusk, cradling her unmoving form as she sat and looked across the still water. A bird took flight and dipped low above the reflecting pool, setting off small ripples which quietly broke the steady surface. As the light faded, the air grew colder and the hairs on her arms stood up, goosebumps disturbing the smoothness of her pale skin. A cool breeze bothered a cluster of leaves near her feet, tossing them carelessly around her for several long seconds. Her shadow slowly blended into the grey shadows of the evening, the waning moon gradually rising in the sky and bathing her in milky-white light. And still she sat alone, unmoving, as the night closed in around her and her eyes strained to see. One by one the stars winked into existence above her like a million tiny candles trying to brighten the world. Finally, finally, she raised her steady gaze upwards towards the heavens, searching the pincushion of lights. Her left hand curled protectively around her stomach and her right reached for the cross which hung around her neck, dimly reflecting the wan moonlight. She drew a breath of the calm, cool air and broke the silence with imploring, whispered words. "Where are you?"…  
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She stared down at the photograph, the image blurring from the tears in her eyes. They had been discussing something with their heads close together when someone had snapped the picture. He was standing beside her tall and lean. His head bowed down to better see her face. Hers was turned slightly upwards to meet his gaze. That's the way it had always been between them. Meeting in the middle. Now this photo was all she had to remind her of his gentle smile and gaudy humor. She put the photo down on the side table and turned her attention to the flowers sitting on the table.

Sadie had kept them there, said it brightened the place up some.

Right now she didn't feel like being brightened up. She ached to take hold of the vase and smash it against the wall but she had held her emotions in check too long and she couldn't quite bring herself to pick up the vase. 

Somehow this was too much. She had sacrificed too much of her humanity already. Perhaps if she could perform this one act then maybe she could start feeling again. Before she could change her mind she grabbed up the vase and hurled it across the room into the wall. It smashed with a satisfying tinkling of glass but the action felt stiff and forced.

Turning she picked up the small clock on her end table and hurled it toward the door. Then again and again and again. She was faintly aware of the sound of someone screaming. It was with slight alarm that she realized it was herself. 

Finally exhausted, her breath heaving, she sat down in the middle of the floor and allowed the tears that had been threatening to make their way down her cheeks.

She looked around her and let loose with a laugh that ended in a half moan half hiccup. Jude stood up and made her way across the room careful not to step on any of the glass shards littering her living room floor. She made her way over to the kitchen and grabbed the broom and dustpan but stopped on the threshold of the living room.

Why? Why should she clean up this mess? It didn't matter anymore.

In the bedroom she paused a moment and caressed the sheets on her bed. Then she flung herself into them to try to catch a whiff of his scent. The only thing she got was the faint lingering scent of her laundry detergent and the perfume she had worn to work two days ago.

Sitting up she cursed Sadie for coming in and cleaning up. Jude remembered two days ago when her sister had come in. She saw in her mind's eye Sadie removing her sheets and putting fresh on. She had been too much in shock to think about what her sister was doing.

With a desperation that was just this side of being frenzied she dug through her laundry trying to find some remaining piece of Tommy. However, she came up empty again. With a faint moan she searched through her closet and the laundry. All signs of him had been removed. No doubt Sadie thought that it might be too painful for her if she were to come up on some stray piece of him.

Even with that understanding a fury grew in the pit of her stomach and spread to her heart. Why did they insist on interfering in her life? Mason always questioning her, her Sadie always barging in and taking over.

She didn't feel she had room to breathe. There were too many people in her life. The only person she wanted to see was Tommy. But then that was impossible. He had been forever removed from her life.

She sat down on the bed and fought the sobs trying to break free once more from her tired throat….She was losing it here without him…

Before she could get a grip the images around her changed to a nightmare scene rolling out images of him dead, or calling out to her in pain. Screaming her name as he lay hurting and needing her.

She screamed his name running, until she almost stumbled over him.

Jude watched as time seemed to still. His form continued to shrink and seemingly decompose in moments before her very eyes. Then from nowhere and everywhere a scream wretched at her heart and stripped at her flesh.

"JUUUUUUUDDDDEEE!!!!"

The sob tore her throat as she sat up in bed. "Tooommmmmyyyyyy!"

She sat with her chest heaving and her stomach not far behind. Jude closed her eyes and concentrated on bringing air into her lungs. Gripping the sheets she opened her eyes and  
looked around her room. She could see the walls of her dream on top of her own almost as if they had been transported from her dream and superimposed on reality. Jude fought the gorge trying to rise in her throat but ended up hurtling herself to the bathroom in a vain attempt to make it in time. With her only intake in the last twenty-four hours having been water she ended up doing a lot of retching and throwing up a lot of bile. Once her stomach was calmed she lay her head on the toilet seat and before she knew it she had faded into a calmer slumber.


	6. Chapter 5: Unsettled Choices

Chapter 5: Unsettled Choices.

Jude heard her phone ring faintly in the background as she became aware of her surroundings again. She pulled herself up off the cold tiled floor and made her way toward the shrilling phone trying to get there before the machine could pick up. "Hello?" she answered a little breathlessly. "Hey Jude it's me. I'm sorry to bother you, I just haven't spoken to you in a while and I'm a little worried. I was wondering if maybe we can meet somewhere tonight, just so I know that your okay, seeing you right now would make m feel so much better." Jude hesitated before she spoke. "Andrew…umm yeah, Sure. I'm sorry actually things have been a little rough lately. I need to talk to you about something anyway." She finished. She had a bit of a shake in her voice Andy couldn't distinguish. He didn't say anything about it. He would find out soon enough. "How does 6:30 sound?" He asked a bit shyly. "Of course. I'll be ready. See you soon …" She hung up the phone and went on a search for some cloths. Maybe talking with him would be good for her. He was the one there for her after all even when she tried not to allow it. She felt bad for running out on him that night. Things just couldn't add up anymore in her mind. Maybe she needed a vacation from herself. Maybe she could make it up to him.

Jude found herself in the shower quickly enough, she didn't have much time. Gosh she didn't realize how late it really was. She quickly dried her hair and dressed. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail, applying a small amount of makeup. She rushed around to ready herself. She hadn't dressed to please anyone really, she needed comfort more than anything. Wearing an old Van Halen T-shirt, and a pair of jeans. She approached the door, just as he knocked. Jude opened the door half smiling. "I just have to grab my purse and keys, Sorry I didn't realize what time it was. Give me just a sec." She muttered, and moved about to gather her things, before heading out the door, locking it behind her quickly. He waited patiently. Holding open the door of the car for her.

Jude smiled for once she actually felt she could, he was being so sweet. Extremely sweet. She definitely owed him an apology. She would make it up to him somehow.

Jude was quiet the entire way lost in her thoughts. Lost in her life. She tried to decipher things in her mind. How was she going to do this all by herself. If it were just her life, it would be different. Now she had a small child inside of her, the only thing remaining she had left of Tommy, she couldn't let this Childs life be ruined. Somehow, someway, she had to pull herself together.

Jude hadn't realized they had stopped, until he cleared his throat, pulling her back to reality. "Sorry," she muttered, and moved to open the door. "hold it there one second dear," With a smile Andrew raced around the car to open the door for her.

Jude and Andrew entered the restaurant together. Jude felt shaky and uncomfortable as they were seated. Andrew looked at her concern showing in his features. "Jude I know something more than Tommy is wrong? Please tell me what else is bothering you sweetie, you look terrified."

Jude looked down at her hands as they waited for their drinks to arrive at the table. She needed coffee, but she needed a listening ear more than anything. He was right. She is terrified. "Andrew…." She drew in a breathe, then continued. "I've been sick lately, and I found…I found out I'm pregnant. The baby is Tommy's, there was no one else, and now he is gone and I don't know what to do Andy.: Jude felt tears slip from her pent up eyes. Andrew gripped her hand firmly.

"Jude…I want you to know, that I love you, and I mean it, I mean Jude I really Love you. that's another reason I wanted you to come here. I needed to tell you. I know you need someone too Jude, I can help the best I can, I'll do anything for you Jude. Even if it means raising this baby with you. I promise you Jude, I will never hurt you. I'd love the baby too."

He finished softly. Jude wasn't quite sure how to respond. At this moment she was more vulnerable than she has ever been in her entire life. She felt absolutely torn to the core. In order to take care of this baby she knew she needed help.

Jude began tumbling thoughts inside her head, weighing things over and out, before she looked up at him in silent agreement.

" Andrew, thank you, honestly. I don't know what I would do without you hear. This might not be easy, are you sure your up for something like this. Honestly, I'm a mess. I'm falling all over the place…."

Andrew didn't let her finish. "Jude listen to me. I can handle anything if it means having you, and helping you. You have become my heart. Trust me please."

Jude nodded. Feeling uncertain. She knew she couldn't love him more than a friend. Why was she agreeing to this? She loved Tommy, and there was no room in her heart to replace that love ever! She needed to have a level head. This baby needed more than just a messed up mother…Jude nodded. 

"Okay, Andrew. You've got me. I'll try my best. Just know that this will not be easy for me please, Andy you know I love Tommy, and I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest." She swallowed past the lump in her throat.

"Sweetie, Jude listen. I know right now it's bad, but I believe I'm capable of helping you past this, I know we could be good for each other. I can do this, and you will get through this, and past this sweetie I know you can and I'm here all the way…."

Jude put her head down, she didn't want to get past Tommy, it hurt to much, she needed him too much. Why was she agreeing to this, she felt as if she didn't have much a choice anymore, her life had fallen apart, from the moment they told her he was most likely dead. Tears welled up in her eyes, that almost felt unstoppable lately. She felt sick inside again. She stood up from the table. Making her way blindly out of the restaurant. She couldn't be there any longer.

It hadn't taken Andrew very long to find her leaned up against the side of the building, hands covering her red tear stained face. 

"Jude I know you are hurting, but I promise you I will fix it. I will make you whole again…I love you, he whispered snaking his arms around her. I love you and I want you to marry me, and not just because I want to help, but because I believe I can make this work, and we could truly be happy Jude. You don't have to answer now, just think about it ok."

Jude nodded. Why did she feel a nuance in her heart? Didn't he realize she couldn't love him, that a piece of her was missing. She needed to set her life for this baby now. She knew her decision. "Lets get out of here." she asked. Taking his hand. Once inside the car again, she thanked him. She couldn't tell him her answer just yet….no not yet…. 

What had she done? Jude asked herself as she moved the beautiful ring on her finger back and fourth. It has been three weeks since she moved in with Andrew. He'd treated her like a queen, but somehow she just felt she didn't belong. She knew a huge part of her being was still missing, something Andrew could never replace for her. Was this fair for him? Using him to feel normal, when she was so far from normal. She let the breeze pick up her hair, raising gooseflesh on her skin. She pulled the shawl tighter around her small frame, as she looked out at the city lights of Toronto. The place was beautiful. She had spent a lot of time out on their balcony lately, hoping to find a star in the sky that would show her some reckoning. Nothing…their was nothing. Maybe this is what was meant.

She had felt numbness creep over her features these past few weeks, for the first time since she moved in with Andrew she let herself cry. She let her self feel. The sorrow consuming her. She held herself tightly, sinking to the cold floor of the balcony as sobs wracked her uncontrollably. "This isn't fair Tommy, you weren't supposed to leave me to this…"She cried. "You promised me Tommy, you said you would never leave me again and you did!" She pounded her fist against the floor beneath her. "This isn't right Tommy dammit I need you. I can't love him. No one else can see that. I know you would. If you were still here, you wouldn't allow this, and I, We and our baby could be happy…Can't you see."

Jude called out to the Sky. How could she blame him. "Is this what I deserve?! What did I do to deserve this GOD, havent you stricken me enough. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Sorry, Sorry…"

Jude continued to sob and mumble incoherent things to the unhearing world around her, until finally the sobs abated to little hiccups. She was freezing, she knew she had to get inside before Andrew came home from work, or she could catch a chill. She didn't want Andrew seeing her like this. He had done everything humanly possible lately to make her feel at ease, to make her feel better. She didn't want him to know, and blame himself for her pain. She made her way inside, closing the balcony doors gently. She crawled into Queen size bed, curling her legs up to her chest, protecting the almost nonexistent bulge her stomach harboured.

"I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry you have such a mess for a mommy. She placed her hand on her stomach. "I will do everything in this world to be a good mom to you, Just I want you to know how hard this is without your real daddy, I promise you I will protect you with my life. I love you already. I can't wait to see you… She whispered.

Jude was exhausted, drifting off into a dreamlike state, she lay on top the blankets, where she had crawled earlier not bothering to get underneath. Her brain bringing her back in time. Tommy had saved her music. The concert she held, how much more strong she was then, the confidence she had in herself, that no longer existed.

She could see It playing out like a movie….

Where does it hurt….

Deep inside my heart, she told herself….letting the memories soothe her some. She and Tommy had plans. They were going to get away…But…then he was gone…removed from her life, as a vice took place upon her heart.

She let herself drift off further liking where her dreams were going at this time being.  
She remembered the first time she had written with Tommy it was like he was a part of her soul, making her whole in all aspects. He had saved her so many times, saved her from herself and others. Showed her just who she could be. Now she was losing that person, and she couldn't save herself, why couldn't she save him as he did her so many times. 

She had to gain control of herself, even half asleep, Andrew would be home any minute.  
She managed to pull herself from the bed, walking slowly into the kitchen, she put some water on to boil, for tea. And set the coffee pot knowing he'd want some. She tried to prepare herself. She didn't deserve him…

Jude held onto the small bulge of her stomach tentatively, as she moved about fixing his dinner so it was warm when he came home. He would probably be starving.

Jude never pictured herself in this situation. Not at all….

The night remained quiet, as Andy moved about with his dinner and shower, Then off to bed. He crawled in next to Jude whom he had sent to lay down when he got home, she looked pale, he thought maybe she needed more rest, being pregnant and all. He slid his arm over her sleeping form, feeling for the bulge of her stomach. He rubbed it gently, smiling before he drifted off himself.

This is what felt right for him. He wanted her to love him, but he could settle with just being with her for now. Maybe someday she would find it in her to love him back just as much as he loves her. He knew things were very complicated for her right now, and he knew in order for him to gain her trust he could have to be there to support her, an help her along this painful path. He also knew in the back of his mind that he could never replace Tom Quincy which pained him in ways she wouldn't understand. He needed her. He felt like his life would be nothing without her ever since the day he had met her the first time. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes upon, but then he knew she was taken, he couldn't do anything then, other than be her best friend but things were different now. He had her now…

Jude awoke the next morning with a start, her body felt weird. She felt sick, it was then she realized that she was enveloped by a pair of loving arms, She looked over, confused. Andy she was in Andy's arms, Jude pulled away and jumped from the bed quickly. "No, no, no, no. This isn't right, she said, and dashed away into the washroom. Letting the tears fall freely.

Jude placed her back against the door trying to contain her breathing, It's been four months, only four months how could she be ready for this. She felt her throat constrict with emotion.

Pulling herself away form the door, she needed to get the feel of him off her skin, she only wanted to feel Tommy, he couldn't make her forget that. He couldn't She needed his essence off of her, she needed Tommy, she was losing it. Jude collapsed into a heap onto the floor of the washroom, sobs escaping her without repent. Why did everything have to come so difficult for her, couldn't just one thing in life be easy? Just one?

Jude pulled herself up against the sink, suddenly she felt a sharp pain and something sticky between her legs…then dizzy. "Oh God…." 


	7. Chapter 6: Am I losing it all?

Chapter 6: Am I losing it all?

"Oh God!" Jude looked down confirming her suspicion. "Blood?…Blood!.. ANDY!!" She screamed on top her lungs. "Help please help!" She began to sob, she knew what that meant, she could lose the one and only thing she had left of Tommy, she could be losing her baby. "Help me!" Jude found herself on the floor. Sobbing. This can't be happening.

She heard Rushed footsteps running towards the washroom. "Jude? Jude what is it? What happened? What's wrong?" Andy swung the door open, seeing Jude on the floor. He was shaking from the blood curdling scream he heard waking him from a dead sleep.

"Andy the baby, the baby, I'm bleeding help the baby…" She managed between sobs. Andy Quickly grabbed her up depositing her on the chesterfield in the next room. "Jude, Jude look at me ok. You have to calm down. I know your scared but you have to calm down." Jude nodded, as Andy turned dialing a number Quickly on the handset of the home phone.

"Dr Lochette, This is J-Jude Harrisons Fiancé, Something is happening. She's bleeding, she needs help."

Andy paced the floor, glancing over at Jude who was still sobbing.

"Okay Andrew I want you to listen to me. Talk to Jude. Calm her down okay, How badly is she bleeding. Andrew I need to know this information." The doctor tried to help him gather his thoughts.

Andy turned to Jude. "Jude baby, the doctor is on the phone, she, she needs to know how much blood?" Andy's voice shook with his words. Worry evident in his no longer sleepy features. 

"Just, just some, but that's bad, Andy that's bad," Jude Sobbed. "Listen Jude, you need to calm down. Ok, the doctor says you need to calm down." Jude looked at him seeing everything but calm in his own face but she tried to calm down, she knew she had to.

Andy pulled the phone back to his ear. "How do you expect her to be calm? She said it wasn't a lot a lot, but how can she be calm? Would you be?" He was frustrated. How could anyone be calm in a situation like this, was this doctor nuts!? He thought. 

"Andrew if she is not hemorrhaging there is nothing further we can do at this time. Bleeding is a sign of imminent miscarriage, the hospital nor I can do anything about it, If Jude begins to bleed extremely heavy then she has to go to the emergency room, but as of right now, I suggest you stay home and let nature take its course…." Andrew didn't let the doctor finish. "WHAT YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME RIGHT! SO WE JUST SIT HERE WHILE SHE HAS A MISCARRIAGE AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT! WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Andrew shouted into the phone. He hit the button to hang it up, dialing another number. His mom….

"Mom I need your help," He was breathless almost. "Andrew what is it?" His mom alarmed. "It's Jude, the doctor is nuts, she's bleeding they say she is going to have a miscarriage but there is nothing they can do, and we just have to let it happen, mom sit here and let it happen!"

"Andy listen keep Jude calm okay, Lay her down, put her feet up, I'll be right over," She hung up before he could speak again.

"Jude sweetie, the doctor is nuts ok, I need you to lay down," Andy helped her lay back, placing pillows under her feet. "My mom is on her way, she had six kids, and I hope she can help baby I'm so sorry." Jude let the tears slide softly down her face afraid if she made any movements it would fair worse for her.

Sooner than the two had thought, they heard a frantic knocking on the front door. Andy jumped to get it, revealing his mom. She pushed past him into the living room where Jude had been laying down. "Andy move her to the bed." His mom commanded calmly. She and to be calm for Jude. "I don't care what that cracked up doctor says honey we are going to save this baby ok," She spoke softly to Jude. Jude nodded, then was lifted gently into Andy's arms, and carried to the bed, Where he carefully as possible set her down. His mom behind him, with arms full of pillows began placing them under her feet. "Jude honey I don't want you to move ok." She nodded in response. She watched as Andrews mother disappeared into the other room, only to come back with some towels. "Andrew I need you to leave the room for a minute ok. She might feel uncomfortable and we need to keep her as comfortable as possible at this moment. Actually I want you to do me a favour.." Jude honey how far along are you?" She looked to her first.

"I'm four months, just four months," Jude whispered. "Okay, sweetie." 

She pulled something from her purse. A credit card. "Andrew I need you to go to Contec downtown and get a Fetal Doppler, I don't care how much it costs. A guy named Al owns the store now, if you have a problem with the credit card, Tell Al he owns the store, that you are Patricia Vought's Son, he will let you get it. And hurry." He didn't question her, he took the card and was out the door…

While Andy was out, Patricia, had helped Jude undress waist down. Placing the towels under her. "Sweetie we are going to try the best we can, I want you to pray hunni I know you don't want this to happen and neither do I." She soothed Jude as she helped her get comfortable as possible. She managed to help her with some water. Not wanting to give her any type of pain killers that could risk thinning her blood some.

Before they realized Andy barged back through the door. A bag in hand. He handed it to his mother, seemingly out of breath. "Hurry mom please, I want to know the baby is okay," He looked about to cry. "Andy I cannot keep Jude calm if you are a mess. I need you to calm down or find something to calm yourself down, she said as she took the Doppler out of the package, and assembled it, before turning back to Jude. Andrew had since ducked out of the room, to let his mom do what was needed.

Patricia turned to Jude, Helping her lift her shirt, "This wont hurt anything hunni, we are going to check for the babies heart beat." Jude nodded once again. As Patricia began ton run the Doppler over Jude's lower stomach, catching something she stopped, then moving it in closer slowly until she caught a strong heartbeat to the left. She smiled up at Jude, and turned the sound on the Doppler up.

"Listen sweetie," Jude smiled through her tears. "That's the babies heartbeat, and is a definite strong one. I have a hunch this doctor was way wrong Jude. We can't take any chances though sweetie, You need to stay like you are. Bed rest, completely." Thank you. Jude said through her tears. "Always sweetie, always. Now I know this is embarrassing, but I want to see if the bleeding has slowed." "Do anything you need to do, Mrs. Vought, I just need this baby to live."

After checking, Patricia covered Jude once more. "It's slowed down a lot sweetie, I think we may have a miracle on our hands, but no risks."

A few weeks had passed, and the bleeding stopped. Jude was being waited on hand and foot, making her feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. It would be different if Tommy were here. She wouldn't need help using the washroom, or be embarrassed with him. She tried her hardest to keep herself from being upset, but sometimes it was just to hard for her. She missed him so much, and why now was she living the life she hadn't wanted to. She needed him more than anything right now. Not that Andrew and his mother weren't sweet but couldn't they understand that she just could not get over Tommy, not now, not ever.

Andrew's mother had hooked Jude up with a great OBGYN, a doctor who actually acted like she cared about the welfare of Jude and her baby. Once the bleeding stopped, she'd started to see Dr. Lee once a week, placed on high risk, for the duration of her pregnancy. She was able to move around more now, being at 5 months pregnant this week she would go in for her first non high-risk procedural sonogram. She wasn't to sure if she wanted to find out the sex of the baby but she had to admit she was a little excited.

She went out today, not long, just back to her place to gather some of her old things, she knew she wasn't going back there. She wanted her notebooks, and photo albums. Knowing she couldn't do much she made sure not to take long, before she was back at Andrews, sitting on the bed, protecting her stomach with a small hand, as she flipped through a small photo album containing pictures from tour, and SME, g-major staff. She missed work now. As before she was unable to write but lately the words had swam through her head and she found herself up all night writing sometimes, and sleeping during the morning hours into the afternoon. She wasn't able to go back to work until after the baby was born. As much as she missed it, she knew she had to keep the baby safe. Or her life would be completely worth nothing.

Jude's breath caught in her chest as she came across a photo of her and Tommy. She was sitting on his lap laughing almost uncontrollably, as he laughed along. She missed seeing the glow in his eyes. Missed hearing his voice, hearing his laugh. She missed him holding her. Hell she missed him. She ran her finger gently over the picture, placing yet another memory in her heart, as she let silenced tears fall down her face. The man she loved, the only man she would ever love. She would never see him again. Why did she feel like she couldn't do this?

She let out a huff, and closed the album placing it gently in the box. She moved over to the stand, grabbing the Doppler patricia had bought and redied it, before placing it over the tiny bulge on her stomach. The sound of the baby always had a way of soothing her. She moved the Doppler slowly over the bulge until the heartbeat came though loud and strong. Moving to lay down on her side, careful to keep it in place.

She let her eyes wonder. "I wish you could hear this Tommy, this is our baby, can you hear her? I think It's a girl. I just feel it somehow. Isn't she strong Tommy. Can you hear her?" Jude talked to the air around her. She found herself crying once again. "I can feel her now Tommy she moves around. This week I have a sonogram, they said I can't find out for sure that she is a girl. We are having a baby girl Tommy I know it. I hope she looks like you Tommy, I hope she has your strength because god knows right now I don't have much…" Jude looked down, moving the Doppler away, turning the off button, she set it at her side. She braught her knees up and let herself cry, like she hadn't been able to in ages. She wanted Tommy to hear all those things but she knew he couldn't could he? "Tommy I miss you so much, I don't know if I can do this without you, I'm not as strong as you! I need you here Tommy, for the baby" Jude sobbed, trying not to choke. "I'm sorry Tommy, I'm sorry that I couldn't save you like you did me. I'm a bad person Tommy. I didn't know. I would have tried Tommy. I was too selfish or something to realize and now your gone, your gone forever…"


	8. Chapter 7: Is There Life Out There

Chapter 7: Is there life out there?

Jude wasn't sure at first if she wanted to know the sex of the baby, the day she had stepped into Doctor Lee's office for her Sonogram, But when she turned to look at the monitor, seeing her baby, somehow brightened what little of her world she had left. The smile on the doctors face, knowing. It was definitely a girl. She was having a girl, she knew it, She had no doubt.

Andrew had now started to buy things, building a nursery in the extra bedroom, complete right down to rocking chair, and sound soothers. What was it going to take for her to realize that he really cared for her, and all she had done was push him out every time he tried to get close to her. It hasn't been long enough, she kept telling herself, she knew she would always tell herself that. Why was he treating her so well, when all she'd done was push him out, it wasn't even his baby, and he was more than extremely excited. He'd bought every book possible, even on how to be a first time dad, and What To Expect When Your Expecting. Jude felt guilty, like she was using him, she loved him as a best friend, and she knew she had more than enough money, she just needed someone, yeah that was it, she needed someone.

Jude decided that day that she was going to give him a chance and try to love him more than a friend inside. Not that it was something you can control, but she had to try. 

Jude had tried the best that she could to let him in, but here and there, at least once every day she'd think of Tommy. She was 7 months along now. Standing in the kitchen barefooted, laughing at Andrews attempt at making spaghetti sauce. "Andy, y-your not, s-supposed to add water to jarred sauce," She laughed uncontrollably holding onto the now good sized bulge in front of her. "You only add water to condensed soup." Andy's face grew red for a second before he joined her in her laughter.

Andy tossed the pan into the sink. "I think it would be safe to say, we should order out tonight," He laughed. Jude nodded and grabbed for some take home menu's on the shelf, grabbing her side as the baby kicked there. "Someone wants food, and it's not just us!" She said, giggling. Andy moved to turn on the fan to take away some of the warmth from the kitchen. Then sat at her side.

He smiled. "I can't believe we are getting married this week!" he was so excited. Jude set down the menu in front of her. "Me either," she said snaking her arms around his neck standing on her tip toes, she planted a kiss on his lips. "I can't wait. Sadie found the most beautiful maternity dress in history!" She squealed. "You would look beautiful in anything Jude," Andy responded kissing her again. Jude blushed some before responding back to him. His love for her felt so good now. She felt like she'd missed out all this time. When they'd finally stopped swooning over one another, they decided on what they were ordering. Jude wanted Pizza anyway. This must be the latest craving. He had run to McDonalds, in the middle of the night for too many cheese burgers with extra pickles. He smiled just thinking about this. He enjoyed his time with her more than anything in the world he layed a few smaller kisses upon her, just as the doorbell rang signaling that their pizza had arrived. Andrew paid the delivery man as well as tipping him, before he returned so they could dig into their food.

The night had gone by a lot more quickly than Jude thought, as she found herself exhausted and barely able to keep her eyes open under the spray of the hot shower. She washed quickly as possible, dried, dressed, and headed off to bed. She was asleep before her head had time to settle on her pillow. She knew she would be awake some time later anyway. So she just didn't care, soon she would never sleep again.  
A few hours later Jude opened her eyes to an insistent need to use the bathroom, hearing a faint voice from Andrew talking quietly over the phone she tiptoed into the washroom, once finished, she found herself curious as to who he was talking to this late at night, but she didn't want to intrude, instead she made her way back into bed, snuggling under the warm blankets, she let her mind drift…  
Somehow she always knew something like this would happen, That she would lose the one thing that meant the most to her. She felt like everything was too good to be true, something had to fall away. Maybe her mom was right, she just didn't deserve it all. She couldn't help the hot tears that made her way back into her eyes, it had been months, they still hadn't found Tommy's body yet to even give him a proper burial. It was like he was lost somewhere in the Bermuda triangle. She felt like his image would fade in her head, so she'd sneak a look at his picture atleast once a day. Maybe somewhere he knew she needed him still, how was he feeling without her? Was heaven really the place you forget all others until they join you as her mother had said. There was no sadness in heaven, if that's where he was. She let herself cry, he wouldn't even know to miss her…This was just not fair, if God was such a merciful God, what had she done to deserve this, to be with someone she couldn't love…  
Jude heard silence then footsteps nearing the bedroom, she quickly wiped at her eyes, then hid her face pretending to sleep…Why couldn't she just let herself show Andrew all the turmoil that tore her up inside?…

Jude felt warm air surround her suddenly she felt claustrophobic, She opened her eyes open squinting to find Andrew's face directly in front of hers. What was he doing? Feeling a twinge of fear, she opened her mouth to speak but it came out all wrong. "Andrew what are you doing? Why are you? What the?" "Shhh Jude its okay, you know you kind of owe me this Jude. Look at everything I've done for you. I'm not going to hurt you, Jude you know that. Would I hurt you Jude?" Jude didn't respond, she just looked at him feeling uneasy. "Andrew I can't. I, you don't understand," she tried but failed. "Answer my question Jude!" He scorned above her. "No, no y-you won't, okay," Why was she going to give in so easily, her body felt like ice, she could feel her heart begin to race as he touched her skin. Maybe she did owe this to him, but she was terrified. How did he suddenly morph into a monster? His eyes were cold; she could see nothing in the reverence of care in his features. She could tell what he wanted, and knew suddenly at this moment that, it was all that mattered. After all she did owe him.

Jude's body felt rigid as he undressed her and had his way. Letting tears that poked her eyelids flow, he hurt her inside. He didn't care, the more she cried the more rough he became. She'd tried to push him off of her a few times, but he was just too strong for her. When he finished she was left there, alone numb with fear, and loathe. She wanted to puke but couldn't summon the strength, why did she let him do this? Is this what her fate was now? What she deserved. Maybe it was. How could she tell anyone this? After all everyone knew they were about to be married, it was his right wasn't it?

Jude couldn't sleep with the likes of him next to her, but she didn't dare budge. He scared her, she wasn't sure what he was capable of next. She lay there quietly, listening to him sleep, jumping slightly every now and then.

At about three AM Jude finally slunk her way out of the room, and into the bathroom. Where she tried to clean herself as much as possible. She turned the water on full blast and slid into the shower, sinking to a sitting position as the water pelted her skin. She felt raw. Ungraced, undignified, unexplainable. She let her arms wrap around her legs thankful the bulge in her stomach was still small enough to do so. 'OMG THE BABY!' Jude almost screamed, as she felt for her stomach, just now realizing, please, please, please be okay, she sobbed moving her hand over her stomach several times trying to coax the baby into moving, so she could be reassured.  
Nothing, she failed. She failed Tommy, she failed herself, and now their unborn child.

The water had long run cold by now, Jude couldn't tell anyway, she sobbed so hard that she barely felt the baby move inside of her the first time, feeling her mothers stress, she began to kick at her surroundings, anything to show her presence to her first love, the bond only a child could have with their mother, even while still a fetus. Jude almost screamed at the feeling until she realized, Suddenly she almost choked herself trying to stop crying, she needed to calm down right now, before she ruins her child's life also. "I'm so glad your okay," Jude said to her stomach, as she turned off the cold water. Maybe she'd tell Andrew she wasn't feeling well. He'd believe that right.

Jude wrapped herself into her thick housecoat, and made her way into the kitchen. She needed an excuse for the entire time she was away from bed. Well she was pregnant, she had a hot flash? Felt sick? Needed some food? Why was she terrified now, it's not like he'd hit her right? And it only happened once. Like he said he had held off so long, and he had done so much for her.

She jumped as his figure watched her in the doorway. "Andrew, I'm, I'm sorry. I was," "Jude its okay I understand. You feeling okay? Jude you look sick. Listen baby I'm sorry; I didn't mean to be so rough. Is the baby okay?" Jude nodded, not saying anything, in fear that the tears would return full force. Andrew pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry Jude. I just couldn't hold out any longer. Do you forgive me? Jude I promise you I will never do it again. I will never intentionally hurt you baby, you know that." He told her his voice desperate. Tears stung her eyes, she nodded biting her lip.

"I don't feel well Andrew I'm going to lay on the chesterfield for now okay, just in case I feel like getting sick its closer." Jude acted as if everything was okay. "Okay baby get some rest okay, if you need me I'll be in our room," He stated and left her side.

Jude moved her bedding to the chesterfield; she grabbed a notebook and pen and began to write vigorously. "To hell I'd need you right now Andrew!" She cursed under her breathe. She needed to write at this moment like she needed to breathe. She wasn't sure if she'd ever felt such a strong urge before, but this was only the beginning.

Is anybody out there  
Does anybody see  
That when the lights are off something's killing me.  
I know it seems like people care  
Cause they're always around me  
But when the day is done and everybody runs.  
Who will be the one to save me from myself.  
Who will be the one who's there,  
And not ashamed to see me crawl.  
Who's gonna catch me when I fall.  
When the show is over  
And it's empty everywhere  
It's hard to face going back alone  
So I walk around the city  
Anything, anything to clear my head  
I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home.  
Who will be the one to save me from myself  
Who will be the one who's there  
And not ashamed to see me crawl  
Who's gonna catch me when I fall

It may seem I have everything  
But everything means nothing  
When the ride that you've been on  
That you're coming off  
Leaves you feeling lost.

Is anybody out there  
Does anyobdy see  
That sometimes loneliness is just a part of me

Who will be the one to save me from myself?  
Who will be the one who's there  
And not ashamed to see me crawl?  
Who's gonna catch me when I fall?  
Who's gonna catch me when I fall?  
Who's gonna catch me when I fall  
And not ashamed to see me crawl?

Jude couldn't finish what she was writing completely, she thought her hands might tear the pages from the book, "DAMMIT WHY! GOD WHY! IF YOU KNEW! WHY TAKE HIM FROM ME! TO DAMN ME! BECAUSE I'M CONFUSED CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME!!" She screamed in her head. She wanted to rip something to pieces but instead resorted to pacing the living room, Andrew was passed out by now anyways. She'd pace the floors all night if she had to. Anything just to feel something...

(Disclaimer: The Lyrics used in this update are not mine, They belong to Ashlee Simpson, and those who have right to the song, I'm just using them for this fic)


	9. Chapter 8: He Promised

Chapter 8: He promised it wouldn't Happen Again.

Jude emerged from the washroom the next morning, drying the wetness from a shower out of her hair. She'd decided to go into the studio today, maybe have some semblance into normalcy. She needed to record like she needed to breath, kind of like she needed Tommy. She began to hum a tune to herself, she'd already called Darius and told him she had something written she believed could be a hit.

Setting her brush down, she reached an arm out to get her keys down so she wouldn't forget them, when suddenly she felt strong fingers grasp her arm, Andrew spun her around to face him. He smiled, as her face took on a stricken look. He'd scared her. "Where are you off to this early Jude?" He asked. It was almost like he breathed, venom, like someone completely different had came over him, possessed him. "I'm, I have some recording to do, the studio you know, what used to be my life." She felt brave for a split second, them regretted saying it all together, when she felt his hand connect with her face. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth tasting blood. "What the hell is that supposed to mean huh Jude? I don't give you a life? I don't do for you what that little producer of yours used to. Knocks you up and just runs out of your life? Huh? Run back Jude, You'll regret it." He scathed.

"Andrew Tommy didn't walk away from me or our baby, something happened to him," Jude tried to remain calm. "The studio is my job and Tommy isn't even there, he's dead Andrew and you don't even care," She started to break.

"You go to that studio Jude, but you better watch your back, because you couldn't get any better than me Jude." He suddenly pushed her up against the wall, his hands on her throat, "You tell anyone about this, or last night and you will regret it Jude understand me?" She nodded. "Yes!, Yes I understand, please your hurting me." Andrew let her go, and moved quickly out of the apartment to make his own way to work, he trusted she wouldn't say anything now, he had her right where he wanted her.

Jude grabbed her bag and key's shaking, she had to know he was completely gone, before she left. She applied an extra layer of makeup to her face, then made her way out the door, locking it behind her.

She needed to drive, and not let the tears get the best of her, her face stung, her lip hurt. Her throat felt like he still had a grip on her. "Please just get me to the studio," She said to the air around her, as she drove off.

By the time she'd parked her car it started to rain, she feared her makeup would run, grabbing her umbrella from the backseat she popped it up, feeling numb, she made her way into the back door of G-Major not wanting to face anyone right now. She moved her way into Studio A knowing she'd see Kwest but she hoped she could use her missing Tommy for an excuse for her mood. She was scared more than anything, she hadn't seen this coming not in a million years, it was like Andrew was a completely differently person.

She set her stuff down quietly not wanting to draw any attention to herself right away. She needed to absorb herself in her music. Having completely forgotten about breakfast, she began to feel nauseous. The baby kicking at her simultaneously. She put a hand to her stomach trying to calm the baby, tentatively she moved into Kwest's view letting him know she was here and ready to record.

Kwest nodded, her okay as she moved into the booth. "I told Darius I have something new, I want to work on it now if thats okay?" She asked looking at the floor, her feet anything but his face. "Sure thats okay."

Jude picked up her guitar, feeling like she existed in another world, a world of emptiness, loneliness. Where only she was allowed to exist. keeping her gaze to the floor. To say it was odd would be an understatement, but Kwest just brushed it off, figuring it was stress or something of the like from the baby. Jude stepped into the sound booth and walked over to her usual spot, staring blankly into the mixing booth for a moment. If she stood real still, just for a moment, she could almost see Tommy moving around. But she shook her head, reminding herself that Tommy wasn't here anymore and that she was in reality. She sighed and strummed her guitar a few times before looking up at Kwest for a split second, then back to the floor. "I, um...Whenever you're ready."

"Okay lets get going, take one Catch Me When I Fall," Kwest said, hitting a few buttons.

Jude strummed the beginning acoustics. Then began to sing.

Is anybody out there

Does anybody see

That when the lights are off some thing's killing me

I know it seems like people care

Cause they're always around me

But when the day is done and everybody runs

Who will be the one to save me from myself

Who will be the one who's there

And not ashamed to see me crawl

Who's gonna catch me when I fall...

Jude began to tear up her emotions taking control, she ripped the headphones from her head, she needed to be alone for a few minutes to gather herself, if that was possible. She promised to have this song recorded but she couldn't even hold herself together.

She moved and ran from the room, finding the seclusion and safety of the womens washroom, sliding down the wall, she let herself sit onto the cold floor putting her head into her hands, sobs taking control of her completely. How did she get herself into such a mess?

She and Andrew had, had a short Ceremony, involving only family, the marriage hadn't taken long, she thought she would be happy with this, that maybe she'd learn to love him. Which within her heart she knew was far from the truth especially now. There was no honey moon of course, He'd said they could have their honeymoon after the baby was born. She didn't even want to be near him now. He'd said he was sorry, but it didn't mean anything apparently. He'd hit her. Maybe she deserved it maybe he was right, she deserved it. Maybe she was the one being the bitch, holding out on him. The thought made her only cry harder, until the point she could barely catch her breath. She wanted the feel of him off of her out of her. Something. She would only have to go back to.

The baby began to kick furiously, not able to comprehend Jude's reason for being upset, but showing her that it was having an effect on her. Jude lifted her head, realizing she was upsetting the baby, and moved her hands to her stomach, trying to anything to comfort her baby. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry..." She wiped her tears shakily and bit her bottom lip, forcing herself to stop her tears. She didn't want to stress her baby like this. It wasn't her daughters fault that this had happened. She could only blame herself for trusting Andrew. She was the only one to blame and she had to face that.

She waited a few more minutes, gathering herself before standing and grabbing her bag from the floor. She looked at herself in the mirror, and couldn't help but hate herself. The bruise on her face was solely her fault for trusting Andrew and for holding out on him. She'd expected for him to want too little. It was all her fault. Now she'd have to play his game his way. She hadn't meant to hold out on him, she just hurt so badly inside. He was her husband, and now she'd made him angry with her, everyone would hate her soon enough, she was nobody anymore, nothing, like am empty shell of a human being. Maybe if she just tried a little harder.

Jude managed to gather herself long enough to get Catch me when I fall recorded, by the time it was clean and done, she was exhausted all she wanted to do was go home and take a long hot bath. She slowly gathered her things, she needed food, having forgotten completely. She felt horrible, now she was depriving the baby, no wonder she was dancing around constantly. If she couldn't even take care the baby while inside of her how would she be a good mom when she was born.

Jude let herself into her apartment, she'd forgotten to check for signs of Andrew being home, she knew she needed food, upon taking her runners off and walking into the kitchen she'd found dinner ready, and a flower arrangement on the table. She looked in awe, as she felt his arms snake around her, she almost jumped from her skin. "Shh Jude It's alright, I'm sorry baby, I was just stressed, I didn't mean it baby, please forgive me. I promise It won't happen again."

Jude smiled and nodded, letting him lead her to the table. She sat down as he handed her a fork, and she smiled, spinning it into the spaghetti sitting there. She smiled at him as he sat down and chewed her food, letting out a soft moan at how good it tasted. "Oh my gosh, Andrew...This is so good."

He chuckled and nodded. "Thank you, I worked hard..." She raised an eyebrow at him, and then quickly looked to the table. She didn't want to upset him. He chuckled and reached across the table, lifting her chin. "I was only kidding, Jude. It's take out...You don't have to be scared." She smiled tentatively and then took another bite of food, smiling. "This really...Andrew its so amazing..."

She continued to eat, taking bigger bites than she realized, having not noticed how hungry she actually was. She was surprised to find her food all gone and looked up at Andrew. "Oh my god...There has to be more..." He raised an eyebrow to her. "Are you nuts? You just ate half the tray." Jude looked at him, confused. "I'm pregnant," she said with a slight laugh."You're also bigger than a balloon, he said rudely. "You keep eating like this you'll look like a beached whale."

Jude felt tears sting her eyes, maybe she shouldn't have eaten so much. But she hadn't touched anything all day. She lifted a hand to her mouth as her pregnancy hormones kicked in and tears began to fall. He rolled his eyes. "Oh please. That was not rude. It was the truth, Jude. All you do is eat..."

She turned to walk away from him, not wanting to argue in this position, but he grabbed her arm and spun her around, shoving her into the wall.

Biting her lip, she tried to push away from him. "Andrew, you promised, please don't you promised." The tears came without cease now, she couldn't control it, fear, hurt, and sorrow, caught her all at once. She wanted to find a small hole to die into. She tried to push him from her but was unsuccessful. She'd only made him more angry.

"You're hott when you cry Jude, do you want me?" he asked. "No! No I don't want you Andrew leave me alone, she screamed trying to kick at him. "Andrew the baby!" She sobbed.

"Sex don't hurt the baby Jude, I read that." He said pinning her wrists against the wall above her head. Using the other to pull her shirt up, he unclasped her bra in the back freeing her breasts, then squeezing at one of them. She felt like she couldn't breathe. "God please take me away from here," She prayed through her tears. "Take me away from here," She thought she'd pass out at this point, but if she did, she knew it would be worse, he could do anything to her, or the baby, "Stay with it," she told herself.

"You want me Jude, and you know it," he said, lifting her shirt up over he head. She tried to let her mind wander off, she felt helpless, against him.

She shivered, feeling his hands on her breasts and clenched her eyes shut, trying to remove herself from the situation. "Please just stop, just stop," she repeated softly, though she knew he wasn't listening. He didn't care what she wanted, and that was all that mattered to him. She felt his hand move down to her jeans and she turned her to the side, staring at the floor. The same floor she'd paced at 3 o'clock that morning. She hated him. She hated him with a vengeance. "STOP!" She screamed. She knew it was a bad idea, but she couldn't stop the word from slipping past her mouth.

He turned her face to look at him, glaring at her. "Do NOT yell at me! YOU GOT IT!" She nodded quickly, feeling more tears spill over. He slapped her again harshly, pushing her down to the floor, following her in suit as he straddled her, still holding her wrists above her head. "You owe me Jude. You've expected too much. You're nothing more than a whore who looks for others to give to you and expect nothing in return." He slapped her again. "Wake up Jude. Not all of us want to be Thomas Quincy. The whole world doesn't want to wait at your feet and do everything you want them to do. The rest of us still want to carry on with our lives, slut. You deserve this, all of it. Now shut up and take what you get."

She bit down on her lip so hard she thought she'd bleed, she wished her mind would wonder off, away from this, she was scared, for her, and for the baby, if she fought him, he could hurt the baby, "God I know I've done a lot of wrong, but please, was I so wrong to deserve this?" She asked in her head. She felt him move, taking her cloths off, almost screaming when he ravaged her. It hurt so badly, her world shattered into a million pieces over and over until he left her lying there. Motionless, helpless, tears running down endlessly. She curled herself into a ball, naked on the kitchen floor as he left her. Laughing in his wake. "Now Jude, don't be a baby, get up!" He grabbed her arms yanking her from the floor then throwing her cloths at her. "Get dressed, stop acting like your so innocent Jude you know you wanted it."

Jude moved away from him, running as fast as her Pregnant Stomach would let her into the washroom. She locked the door, quickly jamming a chair under the handle for added safety, she wished she'd had a phone. She threw her cloths into the hamper wanting to burn them, but hesitated, she turned the tap on in the shower, jumping in she began to scrub roughly, needing him off of her skin desperately. She could taste him, feel him. She wanted to puke, or cry, or even worse die...

Jude scrubbed at here skin until she was sure it was raw. It almost felt sore from how hard she's scrubbed, yet she still felt as if he was on her. He'd invaded her, internally a well as in other ways. She shuttered, wanting to curl up and stay in the shower until the end of time, or at least until he was gone. She wouldn't be safe till then.

Shaking her head, she knew she wouldn't be able to stay there no matter how much she wanted to. She sighed and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her. She walked over to the vanity and looked at herself in the mirror. She had several bruises on both sides of her face, both of which would require makeup to cover, but Andrew obviously didn't care. He'd made that apparent. She sighed and removed the chair, hoping she wouldn't have to face him again tonight. She couldn't go to Sadie's like this. She couldn't go anywhere like this, they'd know, they'd find out how small she was, how weak she was.

She looked being sure that he wasn't around before she walked into the bedroom, quickly running to the closet and shutting the door behind her as she turned a light on, locking the door and looking for something to wear. She settled on an old shirt of Tommy's that she'd had tucked away. His scent always made her feel at least somewhat still human. She wrapped it around herself and pulled on a pair of panties as well before curling up in the corner with an extra blanket rolled up on one of the shelves and sighed, curling up on the floor. She'd avoid him till tomorrow morning and then everything would be fine...

She soon found herself drifting off to sleep and yawned, allowing herself to fall asleep.

She was awoken a while later, not knowing how long she'd been asleep and shivered,

realizing that he wanted her out of there, NOW. She backed herself into a corner and clenched her eyes shut. She buried her face into her knees and bit her bottom lip, shaking her head. "Please go away,...just go away..." She more prayed to herself than anything, that he would just leave...Just leave...


	10. Chapter 9: Cry Without A Sound

Chapter 9: Cry Without A sound

Jude tried to remain calm, what the hell was calm, when she knew that monster loomed out there awaiting her. She moved the blankets shakily. Feeling as if everything had suddenly became slow motion. "Just breathe Jude, maybe he's not so angry this morning, just breathe." She told herself, more like chanted it.

Finally she emerged form the closet, not even able to look him in the face, she put her head down, staring at a spot on the floor, just waiting, for the moment, waiting for pain, but it never came. She felt his arms snake around her in a hug, but she didn't move. "I'm sorry Jude, I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you Jude, do you forgive me?" She knew she'd better respond or he would just have another reason to be angry with her. She looked up at him, tears staining her pale cheeks. She nodded, to afraid to say or do much else. She felt stiff in his embrace, wanting to pull away. "I umm, I have to pee Andy, sorry," she said barely above a whisper. She felt him loosen his grip on her, letting her go. She quickly made her way into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her. She needed the barrier between them, even if it was only for a few minutes.

Jude didn't bother to flick on the lights, she could already see the bruises forming, now how would she explain this. She couldn't go into work like this. Sitting down hard onto the toilet seat, she put her head in her hands for a moment, not able to think straight. She'd have to cover it. How could she even begin to try to explain this to anyone. She couldn't end of story. Expelling a breath, she reluctantly stood and unlocked the door slowly. He had already began getting ready for work, she could tell by his hussle around the next room. Glancing at the clock, she moved into the bedroom to grab some clean cloths, extra careful with what she had picked out, as to conceal any bruise on her arms, and maybe a darker colour would be better. Not caring she removed her cloths and dressed knowing he could walk in at any moment. It just didn't matter anymore. Nothing did. She tried to tell herself she didn't deserve this but the more she thought the more she felt that she had.

Turning to the mirror Jude clasped a necklace around her neck, to keep attention away from anything she might not have seen. When she'd returned from the room Andrew had already left. She let herself sink into the kitchen chair, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic, as if the room was closing in on her. Holding onto her head, she couldn't let the tears fall now. She didn't have time. Standing again, she made her way into the washroom, to carefully apply makeup, then began rushing around the house so she'd get to the studio on time.

Jude found herself in a daze, as she watched Kwest fiddle with some of the buttons behind the mixing board. She stopped for a moment as he looked at her. "Jude can we talk?" he asked softly. "She felt tears surface at his words, but bit her cheek refusing to let them fall. Not right now. She nodded taking a seat next to him.

"Look Jude I know you're not happy with Andrew, I know things aren't okay. I can't say as I know exactly how you feel Jude, but I know in my own way. Tommy was my best friend for a long time. I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you. No matter what okay. If you need anything. Even if it is just to talk, I'm here. I don't care what I'm doing or what time it is." He finished.

Jude smiled slightly, hugging him. "Thanks Kwest."

"Look Jude I care about you. You know what I mean. You're like a little sister to me. I'm here whenever you need me." Jude nodded. Feeling slightly awkward. She has always liked Kwest actually they'd become pretty close friends before any of this had happened. Everything had changed her now. She felt empty. Like she barely deserved to be alive.

He could see the hurt in her eyes, such pain that could never be described in words. He wished that there were a way to help her. To bring Tommy back. To see her happy again, but he was far from anything she needed to be happy. She needed Tommy, and he knew that just as much as he needed Sadie in his life.

He watched as she moved stiffly into the booth in front of him, and wondered if she wasn't feeling well. He noticed she had applied more make-up than normal but probably just to hide paleness. He decided not to even question her as to not make her feel worse.

Jude put her all into the song, letting it flow, and pour from her emotions she hadn't even known she'd felt. After a few takes, she felt a bit dizzy, maybe even nauseous, remembering she'd forgotten breakfast but she didn't really care at the moment. It hadn't really taken long to finish the song. The track was laid down. It felt right to her. If she could just feel like she fit into her own skin now. She'd feel a bit normal. Knowing that wouldn't happen not today anyway. She gathered her things Quickly, the day had gone by fast, and she needed to get home. Not in the mood to argue, or be hit today, she wished she could just be alone.

She hugged Kwest, and pecked Sadie on the cheek before heading out the door, pasting on a fake smile, she knew they could probably see right through. She wished they knew just how much she dreaded walking out that door, how much she really did not want to be home. She shook her head and walked out of G-Major, throwing her things into the backseat of her car, she climbed inside the driver seat, started up and drove away. Feeling as if she just walked away from her only way out.

All the way home she prayed that Andrew had, had a good day. Or that he'd just not come home at all. She'd found herself making dinner quickly, watching as the clock in the kitchen ticked away every minute she had without him there. There was a game on tonight, so she knew that would catch much of his attention, god forbid they lose or she get in his way though.

She pulled the cookie tray from the oven, making sure the chicken she'd prepared was cooked all the way through before turning off the stove. She prepared his plate and hers. Taking hers into the room, not wanting to eat in front of him again, but she knew she needed the food, she'd skipped two meals today as it was, now feeling guilty, she had to get nourishment into her body for the baby. She cradled her stomach for a moment, feeling the baby move withing her, and smiled. If anything she had, she still had her child. She prayed to god almost every waking moment that he not take that from her too. She couldn't handle it, she knew that without this one thing that kept her going her life would be over completely. She hoped to be finished eating before he got in, and to her surprise she had.

By the time he'd actually gotten home, she'd finished dishes, left a note for him that she wasn't feeling well, and that his dinner was in the microwave and would only have to be uncovered and hated. She'd started falling asleep writing again, thank god she'd managed to hide away her journal before she fell out completely. His game was on soon so he didn't pay much mind to her.

The next time she'd awoke she felt like she'd been hit by a bus, and that was stating it kindly. Her nose was stuffed up, her head ached, and her chest felt like it had weights on top of it. What in the hell could hit her this fast, She panicked at first, until she found herself sitting up and still breathing. Her body felt hot. "oh no!" she thought, removing the blankets, standing up on legs that felt like jelly. She felt cursed. "Damn it all!" she swore at the air around her.

Feeling hands touch her, she jumped turning to reveal Andrew who was smiling, "They won the game baby, isn't that cool!" She nodded feeling dizzy and unsteady on her feet. He kissed her forhead his smile fading. "Jude you're hot!" he exclaimed. "Oh you noticed," she stated sarcastically, like he'd have any concern other than himself. Being sick she couldn't do everything he'd wanted. Not that he wouldn't force her to anyway. "I need to lay back down," she stated not feeling to confident on her feet. "Okay," he stood there watching her for a moment before leaving the room, to watch some TV. She felt relieved that he was going to leave her alone, but one misery for another? Life is so cruel!

Jude pulled the blanket up to her shoulders, feeling chilled, she knew she had a fever and probably needed to take something but she didn't want to move at the moment. She let her eyes flutter closed, Thanking god that tonight seemed to be uneventful. She let herself drift back into a dream state. Maybe she'd dream something happy for a change, maybe someday it would all be okay.


	11. Chapter 10: Baby Blue Eyes Pt 1

Chapter 10: Baby Blue Eyes Part 1

Jude cracked her eyes open turning some she cradled her heavily pregnant stomach with an arm. She couldn't believe just how fast weeks had turned into months. Feeling hot, she went to move the covers but before she could she felt a sharp pain shoot through her abdomen. She couldn't be that sick could she. She sat up, feeling slightly dizzy. Another pain shot through her this time, hitting her back hard. She furrowed her eyebrows and decided maybe she should get something to drink. She removed the blankets and pushed herself up from the bed, gasping as her feet hit the cold floor. Before she could move she felt something warm run down her legs. She panicked at first looking down. Her water broke! She watched in shock as the warm liquid pooled at her feet. "Oh no!" She lifted her head, listening for movement other than her inside the house. She snapped on the kitchen light, not having heard anything. Either Andy had fallen asleep or he'd left. To her surprise he'd left, she didn't care where he went at the moment. She glanced out the window to be sure his car was gone, before racing toward the phone as fast as her pregnant body would carry her.

Jude picked up the phone dialing Sadie's number quickly and praying this would not be the wrong decision. Sadie picked up, excited and surprised to her from her sister. "Jude! How are you? Are you alright?" she asked. "Yeah, Sades I'm okay. I'm so sorry, I Umm, I need your help. I guess I'm kind of in Labor," Jude breathed sharply as another pain shot through her so much more intense this time. Sadie flew up from her bed quickly. "Oh my god Jude, Hold tight okay sweetie, I'll be there as soon as possible I'm just throwing some cloths on okay," Sadie cradled the phone in her ear, throwing some pants on. Jude nodded as if Sadie could hear her head rattle, and continued to breathe. "Jude where is Andrew?" "I don't know and right now frankly I don't care, Owww OH MY GOD!! Sades Hurry!" Jude moaned. "Okay Jude just breathe, going out the door now. Kwest Move!! Jude needs us! She's in labor! I don't care what your wearing get your ass moving!" Jude heard Sadie yell, and almost laughed, if she hadn't been in so much sudden pain.

Jude looked down at herself disgusted. She needed to change her cloths. "ahh!" She moaned. "Breathe Jude, breathe sweetie, I'll be there soon." Sadie said as she rushed out of her driveway. "I am breathing Sadie! If I wasn't I'd pass out!!!" Sadie chuckled at Jude's pain driven anger. "Listen Sades I need to change my cloths and get my bag, Just get here okay?" Jude clutched at her stomach. "Okay Jude see you in a few okay, hang in there." Jude hung up the phone. She rolled her eyes. Yeah right hang in there, she was about to pass a watermelon through a straw, and hang in there?! She moved as quickly as she could to change her cloths. And pulled her bag from the corner of the room. She'd been afraid of this day since her due date was approaching so quickly, not knowing how Andrew would deal with it. She was actually terrified of what he would think or do. She needed to get out of here before she had this kid by herself. Just as the thought crossed her mind, she heard a pounding on the door. She knew It would be Sadie. Grabbing her bag, she opened the door revealing her very concerned looking sister, and let her help her out to the car.

Jude Buckled the seatbelt in the passenger seat of the car loosely, looking over at Sadie. "Just don't kill us on the way, Kay Sades." She joked. Sadie nodded and eased her foot onto the gas pedal as much as she wanted to stomp on it. She couldn't. Jude closed her eyes, reveling in the moments between contractions. How she wished Tommy was here for this, he would tell her it would all be okay, he would make sure it was okay, now she's never been more scared in her life as she is at this moment, How could she possibly be a mother if she couldn't keep herself from being hurt. She wished somehow she could make it all change, somehow become a better person so he wouldn't be so angry all the time. Her daughter didn't need it. She knew somehow she needed to. She knew it was her fault. Like always she'd expected to much. She bit down on her lip hard to keep from crying. She winced startled at the power if the next contraction assaulted her. Opening her eyes, she realized the car had stopped in front of the hospital entrance. How did she lose herself in thought for that long? Sadie helped Jude from the car as Kwest went for a wheel chair quickly bringing it out to them. Jude looked at him and laughed. "Oh this is just priceless!! so rich! I'm not handicapped Kwest, I don't need that damn thing! Oh OW! Ow! Ow! Okay, I lied give it to me now!!!" She hollered. Sadie helped Jude sit then quickly wheeled her into the hospital, bringing her to the front desk.

"Excuse me ma'am?" Sadie asked. The lady looked up at her through glasses. "May I help you?" "Yes actually, my sister here is in labor, she's had some pretty rough contractions and her water broke at home about 40 minutes ago," "Okay," The women moved around the desk. Taking the wheelchair from Sadie's hands. "Lets get her up to maternity. Ma'am how far along are you?" The nurse asked. "I'm due next week. Ow!!" Jude responded clutching at her stomach, she felt like her muscles were being torn to shreds. The nurse wheeled her into the elevator, letting Sadie and Kwest follow, before hitting the button for the third floor. The motion of the elevator made her nauseous. Thank god it wasn't for too long, or she'd have a problem.

Once onto the third floor the nurse approached a couple other nurses. "We have some full on labor here girls, her water broke 45 minutes ago, looks like her contractions are pretty rough." She explained before leaving Jude with the maternity nurses who began wheeling her into a birthing room. "What is your name sweetie," The nurse asked her. "Jude, Jude Harrison, OW! It's supposed to hurt this much right? Or am I just being punished?" The nurse chuckled as she handed Jude a gown to change into. "Honey this isn't the worst yet, but I promise, once this baby is born, it wont matter anymore. How old are you honey?" "I'm 19, I just turned 19 last month." "Okay Jude lets get you changed."

The nurse pulled the shade blocking out Sadie and Kwest as she helped Jude change and get her into the bed, so the monitors could be placed quickly enough. Most women were at the hospital for hours before this stage of labor. She could tell Just by looking at Jude that she is one strong girl, but she could see pain in her eyes, what she couldn't figure out. Deep pain, and she was so young, what could hurt such a young lively soul so deeply? She became concerned, and almost wanted to comfort this girl. Even though she hadn't even said anything. Stoic was her middle name apparently.

She helped Jude into the bed securing fetal heart monitors onto her stomach, and one for mom too. She began to take Jude's Vitals. She looked at Jude with a gentle expression. "Are you alright honey?" Jude nodded, letting a single tear slide down her cheek. "It's okay sweetie, I'm Michelle, I will be your nurse until you leave here I promise," For some reason she felt she needed to reach out to Jude somehow, she wasn't quite sure why, but she felt something. This girl certainly needed someone, even if she didn't act as if so. "Are you married honey? Or is there a special person we may need to call," Jude's eyes automatically registered fear as she looked down away from her. "I am yes, but please don't call him, he wouldn't want to be here right now." Jude felt ashamed. "Okay sweetie I promise that I wont. I'm going to check you, then I may have to ask you a few questions okay sweetie, if your not comfortable answering in front of your sister and her boyfriend you don't have to They can settle in the waiting room until you're ready for them." Jude nodded and let her do what she needed to do. She'd nicely told Sadie and Kwest where to go letting them know it shouldn't be too long before they could come back in. Jude was very uncomfortable with this. She wanted to cry right there. It was painful. "Okay sweetie over, it's over for now. You are 5 centimetres dilated, I want you to try and take it easy for a little while it's going to get pretty rough soon okay?" "Yeah," Jude sighed.

Jude looked upwards for a moment wishing she could have him with her right now, just for these moments if that was all she could ask for. She was brought back by her nurse settling in beside her in a chair with some papers she would need to sign, and some questions Jude wasn't sure she was prepared to ask. "Sweetie this isn't for anything I just thought maybe I could ask, if it's not too much. Is your husband the father of your baby?" Jude looked at her like she was psychic or something shocked. She shook her head no. "No, no her father he umm went missing about the time I got pregnant, They presume he is dead." Jude answered feeling like she was numb for a moment. Michelle looked at Jude empathy showing in her face. She wanted to take Jude in her arms and tell her that it would all be okay. She wasn't sure she had a good feeling about this husband of hers. That would be one question she was unsure of how to ask. Jude looked away distancing herself. She fell like she was falling to pieces at all the wrong times. She tried to ignore the contractions but they'd only gotten more painful, she sat up slightly, trying to ease the sensation.

"Okay Jude, I need to ask you some personal questions but these are just normal procedure." Jude looked at her as if saying okay, but did not say anything. They had gotten past her medical history and date of birth and so fourth then came the harder questions. "Jude have you ever been or are you a victim of abuse?" She didn't know why she was so shocked by this question, she was naive anyways. She looked away struggling to keep from crying, she couldn't cry right now, she promised Andrew she would never tell, it was her fault anyway for making him so angry right? She made him wait too long, and she was always so needy. She looked back at the nurse beside her shaking her head. "No, no I'm not a victim of abuse. Sorry I spaced for a second." Michelle furrowed her brows, "thats okay honey."

Michelle moved to take Jude's blood pressure once more, taking a closer look she noticed fading bruises. This child was definitely a victim of abuse, and she was terrified she could tell by the look in her eyes when she had asked that question. Her job was to ask the question and offer any type of help if they had said they were. "Jude I want you to know that anything you say to me is strictly confidential and I would never tell a soul, I can stake my job even my life on it. So if you feel you need to talk about anything, you can with me. The best part of my job is getting to know who my patients are, it helps me better to help you." Jude just nodded. She wanted to be so very far away right now. Suddenly pain shot through her, she sat up quickly as this contraction was much more intense. "Okay take it easy honey," Michelle said. "Breathe through it like this, it makes it much easier," Michelle showed her what to do, and watched as she mimicked her and began to settle down.

Michelle looked at the fetal monitor noticing she'd have to move it, up? Where was this baby? Oh gosh don't tell me this baby is breech?! "Jude listen to me the doctor does not normally come in until you are about 8 centimetres dilated but I think this may have to e sooner, I'm going to lay you back completely for a minute, I have to check you again, I know it's uncomfortable but honey," Michelle laid her bed back easily then moved to check her, sure enough this baby was breech. She moved back up, calling for her sister to come back in, Jude would need the support right now. Once Sadie was back in the room, she left the room to get a doctor. He would be better equipped to explain the situation to Jude at this moment.

Sadie sat quietly at Jude's side, noticing such a change in her features. She was scared, more scared then she'd ever seen her before. "Listen Jude, it's going to be okay, and we'll be right here with you, you and the baby will be okay I promise." Sadie grasped her hand and let her squeeze it as she rode out another contraction. Just then the doctor came into the room, whisking Sadie right back out. "I'll be right back sweetie I promise." Sadie told her as she left.

"Hi Jude, nice to see you again so soon." Dr Lee smiled at her. Her doctor was here, that was good. She was a great doctor, and she was a bit relieved now that she was here. " I need to check you Jude seems like our little angel might want to make things a little different for us tonight." "What do you mean?" Jude panicked. "No reason to worry right now Jude, let me check you and we will figure this out, Your nurse says your baby might be breech which means, that instead the baby being in the normal birthing position, which is head down, the baby is just the opposite, it actually happens a lot more than women think," Doctor Lee said as she checked Jude, she nodded to Michelle. "Baby is definitely breech, lets get ultrasound in here so we can get exact position before we perform anything." Michelle nodded and headed from the room. She grabbed Jude's sister before heading to grab ultrasound. "I believe your sister really needs you right now honey, I'll be right back, you can go right in."

Sadie could tell Jude was anxious as she returned to her side. The doctor was explaining to her that she would have to have a cesarean section, as another nurse hooked up some Iv's to administer medication. "Oh No, no, no way! You people are not cutting me open! Are you nuts! Forget it! I'm going home, I am not having this baby, good night everyone!," Jude said trying to move from the bed. The nurse started to push her back. "Mrs Harrison, You have to lie down! You cannot leave right now, It would be a risk to you and your baby!" Man she was glad she'd kept her name! She hated Andrew right now for making everything so much worse for her. "You don't understand, please, I'll come back next week okay! The baby will turn around by then! OWW oh my god! Please I'm am not having this baby I can't I can't!" She began to sob. "I can't do this..."

Upon returning to the room, had heard her sobbing and almost ran to her. She moved at her side. "Listen to me Jude honey you need to calm down, it's going to be okay," She gave the other nurse a stern look, and proceeded to soothe Jude. This baby is ready to come out honey, and she will not wait for anything. I promise you everything will be fine, and very soon you will be holding your baby daughter in your arms," Michelle consoled her gently getting her to lay back down so they can put a catheter into her and proceed with an epidural, they would need to do this c-section soon, or this baby would be born two foot breech. Another nurse rushed to squirt warm Jelly over Jude's stomach beginning the ultrasound that shocked everyone. Dr Lee looked up at Jude almost wanting to laugh if the situation wasn't so scary to her. "Well I'll be darned this baby's feet are up by her head, she is trying to come bottom first!" Jude Squeezed Michell's hand. "What?! My baby is trying to come out butt first!? How is that even possible! She cant tell everyone to kiss her ass yet! Shes too small for that! Well maybe Andrew, never mind!" Jude was just as shocked as the rest. "Well sweetie evidentially it is, we need to prep you now, if we don't do this c-section soon or there will be some potential risks if you go into full labor Jude. Not saying that you aren't in full labor, I'm talking when you start to feel the unbearable need to push." Jude nodded at her words, letting the tears fall. Please god, just please! I can't handle no more. I just can't handle no more, she screamed from the inside. She just couldn't. She couldn't break down now, she needed to pull it together. Breathe Jude, Breathe, 1, 2,3, breathe.


	12. Chapter 11: Baby Blue Eyes Pt 2

Chapter 11: Baby Blue Eyes PT 2

Short Review for refreshers...

"What?! My baby is trying to come out butt first!? How is that even possible! She cant tell everyone to kiss her ass yet! Shes too small for that! Well maybe Andrew, never mind!" Jude was just as shocked as the rest. "Well sweetie evidentially it is, we need to prep you now, if we don't do this c-section soon or there will be some potential risks if you go into full labor Jude. Not saying that you aren't in full labor, I'm talking when you start to feel the unbearable need to push." Jude nodded at her words, letting the tears fall. Please god, just please! I can't handle no more. I just can't handle no more, she screamed from the inside. She just couldn't. She couldn't break down now, she needed to pull it together. Breathe Jude, Breathe, 1, 2,3, breathe.

Baby Blue Eyes PT 2

Jude looked around the room as if she were perfectly fine, but her mind was racing. People were running around her, saying a thousand things, talking about 10 different things that needed to be done before they could actually deliver the baby. A different looking doctor approached her with a fairly large looking needle and her eyes went wide. "OH HELL NO!" she scooted backwards on the bed, "NO freaking way! Where the hell do you think that thing is going!!" She shouted.

"Jude my name is Megan, I'm an anesthesiologist, I will be giving you your epidural for the delivery, it is better that you are awake during the delivery to minimize the effects of anesthesia on the baby. " The woman in the white coat told her. Jude looked at her as if she were the devil in disguise. "You wanna put that, that thing in my spine?! Oh no I don't think so, Now I'm seriously going home now. I don't do needles people!" Michelle approached Jude's side. "Listen honey, this baby needs to be born, and I don't mean to scare you, but if your labour progresses without this cesarean it could kill you both Jude, and I'm sure you do not want that." Jude nodded letting a few tears fall from her face, as Michelle helped her to sit up.

"Now Jude I need you to listen carefully, our nice nurse Michelle here will stand in front of you, I need you to sit Indian style and bend forward over your legs. You have to not move Jude, so if you have to scream anything just do not move, once we get this medication in, you will feel much better. You will go numb from the mid section down, and they can deliver your baby in no time." Megan told her moving behind her. "I think I'm going to puke," Jude muttered, she felt dizzy, nauseous very nauseous, why did she have to see that needle?

Michelle took Jude's hand in her own, giving her a small smile. She could tell by the look on the young girls face that this was hard for her; especially the needle. She looked up to see Megan waiting for approval to continue. Michelle looked back down at Jude and smiled gently. "Jude, hunny...Is it okay to continue?"Jude groaned. "Not by my standards, hell no!...But for my baby...yes. Continue..." She gave one nod, biting her bottom lip to prepare herself for the pain as Michelle took Jude's hands in her own again and gave her a hopeful smile. "Squeeze as hard as you need, sweetie." Jude was about to nod as she felt the needle enter her skin and a shriek shot through her body. She forced herself not to move or even tighten a single muscle, keeping her eyes shut as she squeezed Michelle hand hard. "Ohhh God I'm going to die! You people are going to kill me, I think I'm going to pass out," Jude felt the room spin around her. "JUST SHOOT ME NOW!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "This is pure torture on the human body!" She began a stream of cuss words as the pain began to settle, before finally calming as it began to fade away, and for the most part, she didn't feel anything at all. She let out a long sigh of relief that it was over and looked at Michelle. "Thank you." "Any time sweetie, anytime," Michelle said helping to lay Jude back on the bed.

"I don't like not feeling my legs!!, I can't move my toes! What are you doing?" Jude asked, as she saw blue cloth being raised over the lower part of her body. "We have to keep the environment sterile Jude," A Nurse told her. Michelle looked down at her. "You're going to be fine Jude I promise." She moved a hand to wipe the hair out of Jude's face gently. "I wanna go home," She said softly as tears soaked the sides of her face. "I know sweetie, but it will be over before you know it,"

Jude felt funny as they lowered the top half of her body lower than her feet, she felt the blood rush to her head, another strange feeling, she could feel them touching and pushing on her stomach. Suddenly she felt short of breath. "I can't breathe," she said hushed. "I can-t breathe!" she said again. "Lets get 5 of volume into that IV of hers." She heard Megan say, as Michelle placed an oxygen mask over her face. "It's just from the epidural Jude, you will be just fine, there are a lot of people here, and if anything happens we will take care of it, we're not going to let anything happen to you." Michelle reassured her.

A Couple more people entered the room, as she heard the doctor say they were ready to make the first cut. More monitors were hooked to her chest, and a pulseox placed on her index finger. Jude felt like her muscles were going to come from her body, Jude looked around the room wildly, becoming more freaked out by the minute. She hated things being like this. She felt more alone than ever, and everyone had the upper hand in the situation here but her. She didn't like being open and vulnerable to anyone, especially at the hospital. She squeezed Michelle's hand tightly, and she turned to Jude with a small smile on her face. "It'll all be fine in a moment, sweetie. We're just getting final preparations going. It'll be done in no time."Jude nodded, though she didn't really care what they were doing. She wanted to be done, period. She wanted them to get away from her now. She wanted a lot of things she wasn't going to get.The doctors moved around so that there was a bit of space around them.

as they finally lifted the scalpel up. Jude's eye widened as she saw it, though the doctor probably hadn't meant for it. "NO! NO NO NO! Get it away!" She shrieked, glaring at everyone staring at her. "I don't care! You aren't slicing and dicing me! Not now, not ever!!!!!" Sadie chose that moment to rush into the room, practically dropping over the side of the door as she looked at the various doctors, and Jude tipped haphazardly on the bed. "Oxygenating your brain, eh sis?" Sadie teased lightly as she made her way over to Jude, not caring about the looks on the doctors faces."Shut up , Sadie. These doctors think they're going to turn me into a block of cheese with that grater he's got in his hand!!!!"Sadie struggled to hold back a laugh as she shook her head, taking Jude's free hand in her own. She nodded to the doctor that he could continued as she talked to Jude. "No hunni, focus on me. The doctor's not going to turn you into cheese, and its not a grater. Its a scalpel, and he needs to in order get the baby out."

Jude began to feel some pressure as she squeezed her eyes tightly shut. She wanted the world to go away right now. She felt them pushing on her stomach, and she hearing the suction to keep the blood away.

"Making incision into the uterus now, and we see a little butt Miss Harrison. It's definitely a girl! And man is she a fighter!" The doctor gently wrapped her hands around the babies hips, tugging, when the baby slipped from her fingers and managed to go right back inside. She chuckled and repeated her motion as a male doctor helped, this time tugging hard. Jude felt like her lungs had collapsed and in that moment the baby was out of her. She heard a small wailing signaling the baby was definitely not happy as they clamped and cut the cord, moving her to clean her up. "Oh my god, it feels like I can't breathe," Jude huffed. "Its normal hunni just relax you will be fine in just a few minutes," Michelle had reassured her for about the thousandth time that night.

Jude looked to Sadie for the same reassurance, and Sadie simply nodded. She had quite the smile on her face. She'd never planned to see cesarean done, but it was amazing, even though it had merely only lasted minutes. She was more amazed than anything. Jude looked over at the table where they were cleaning off her baby. She still had a bit of trouble breathing, but seeing that little girl made her feel so much better. Her baby girl had made it all these months and now, no matter what happened, she'd always have a part of Tommy with her. No matter what happened, they'd always have each other. Sadie wiped Jude's head off with a cloth before kissing her forehead. "I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner, Jude. I should have been..." Jude shook her head at Sadie, far too exhausted to say anything. In return after the nurses finished cleaning off the baby they brought her over so Jude could see her, as they sewed her up from the incision.

"She is perfectly beautiful!" Michelle smiled at her taking the baby from the nurse to place her onto Jude's chest for a few moments before they would whisk her away to run routine tests and clean her better. "She weighs 2.7 kilo's and she's just perfect," The nurse told her. Jude moved her head to look down into her daughters face, who had now quieted, she has her father's eyes, she thought, letting more tears fall but this time out of joy. She watched as her daughter settled into her chest, her own heartbeat soothing the baby.

"Do we have a name for her Jude?" Michelle asked her. Jude nodded. "Yes, Aniyah Lynn Quincy," Jude smiled and moved her arm that was released to touch her daughters soft face. She wanted to kiss her, which she did right before Michelle lifted her away. So they could clean Jude up and transport her to the recovery room.

"The baby won't be gone long sweetie, they have to run some normal tests, and you my dear have to go into the recovery room for at least an hour so we can be sure everything is fine, then they will bring her back to you when you are placed into a room." Michelle told her, and Jude nodded.

Jude nodded sadly, squeezing Sadie's hand lightly as they wheeled her out of the room and in to the recovery room. They got her changed into a different gown with new sheets and a fresh warm blanket before she she was placed back into the bed. She yawned sheepishly, settling onto the bed. She felt like she hadn't slept in years, though it was probably because she'd been asleep when she went into labor. Michelle smiled sadly at Jude and shook her head. "I'd love to tell you to get some sleep, but we have to have you get some fluid into your system and make sure every thing's working alright before that."

Jude pouted and nodded, pulling the blanket up around her. Michelle smiled again and walked to the door. "I'll go grab your sister , and then I'll be back with a drink for you..."

Jude still couldn't feel the lower part of her body, as much as she wanted to sleep she still felt as if she wanted to crawl right out of her skin, she wanted so badly to get up and walk, but she would probably fall. Her body was exhausted form the labor and the panic. Michelle had returned rather quickly with some ice water, which felt like heaven the minute she sipped at it.

Jude felt like time had flown by she was a little, no maybe a lot loopy from medication, but the minute they had settled her into her room she wanted her baby, feeling as if she were too good to be true she wanted to make sure no one would take her away. A nurse had come in to ask her some questions, and all she could say was "please bring my baby to me, I want to see my baby." This nurse wasn't as nice as Michelle, she decided she didn't like her right away. "Miss Harrison you need to calm yourself, we will bring your baby to you when we are finished up here. There is no need for impatience." The nurse said, she sounded cold and heartless to Jude. "But she's my baby..." Jude trailed off closing her eyes, she finished up her questions also signing some papers they needed for the baby. She wished Michelle had been the one doing this, just as the thought crossed her mind, Michelle entered her room to check on her. She had a likeness for this nurse that she just couldn't describe, she wasn't even sure why.

Jude put on a smile as Michelle walked over to her, seeing the look on her face. "You look upset?" She asked softly, straightening Jude's pillow behind her head. Jude shrugged. "Just one of the nurses was being...I don't know. Rude.."Michelle shook her head. "Some of the nurses aren't as happy working down here in Maternity. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." "It's okay, can I see my baby?" She asked quietly. "Sure you can they are bringing her in now. Jude turned to see a nurse wheeling the baby into the room, she smiled softly and placed the baby into Jude's arms. " I think little one here is hungry, we didn't give her anything because we were never told if you were going to breast feed or not," the new nurse looked at her softly. "I think I want to breast feed her, I was always told it was the best, and I want nothing but the best for her," Jude told her smiling down at the now crying baby, who'd lost her pacifier. It apparently wasn't satisfying enough.

Michelle held the baby for a moment as Jude situated herself into the bed, and unsnapped the side of the maternity gown so she can feed her daughter for the first time. The nurse showed Jude how to help the baby latch on, which she did quickly. At this moment, this very moment was possibly the very best moment of Jude's life. She nudged up the little pink hat her daughter worse to touch the side of her head gently, then clasped her small fingers with her free hand.

"You look just like your daddy Aniyah, he would be so happy if he were here right now. I wish he could see you. He would love you too so so much. We will be okay wont we little one," Jude continued to talk to her doctor, completely unaware of anything else around her. "We're going to be a team, and I promise you I will never ever let anyone hurt you, I promise I will always protect you." Jude let tears slide down her face at the thought of that. She was scared wasn't she? She didn't want to take Aniyah back home to Andrew. If he hurt her what would he do to a baby that wasn't even his.

Jude shook her head, she shouldn't be thinking of Andrew right now, this is supposed to be the happiest moment of her life wasn't it? Jude tried to force the thoughts from her head, just as Michelle pulled a chair up to her side. "Jude can I ask you something?" she was snapped form her reverie at the sound of the kind nurses voice. Jude looked at her smiling. "Isn't she beautiful?" "That my dear she is, she is an angel." Michelle looked at Jude sympathetically before continuing with her question.

"Jude I noticed some bruises, when I was looking you over, bruises in places that just don't happen by accident, and I wanted to offer you some help, you don't have to agree if you don't want to, but I think I know why you don't want your husband here." Michelle felt a bit uncomfortable asking this question, but she couldn't help but think that if she didn't do so no one else would.

Jude bit her bottom lip, looking up at Michelle. The mere thought of talking about that scared the hell out of her. Michelle squeezed her hand lightly. "Its okay, Jude. You can tell me...Whatever you say is confidential..." Jude let tears fill her eyes once again, nodding her head. "I don't remember or even know what I did wrong to him, he was so adamant on marrying me, saying he loved me so much and it didn't matter if I still loved Tommy, but I think it does, and its all my fault." Jude tried not to break down while feeding the baby. She couldn't scare her, hell she was merely a few hours old. "He gets angry really easy, and I'm scared. I'm sorry I'm really scared, he made me promise I would not tell, I shouldn't be talking about this."

"Jude listen to me sweetie, no one deserves to be abused no matter what, not only is it dangerous for you, but it is for this little one also, and neither one of you deserve this. What happened to her father was not your fault, nor is your husband getting angry and hitting you. People like him like to use power to keep control over people, and there is something wrong with his head. This is not your fault." Michelle felt tears of her own emerge, feeling pain for this young girl, she felt extremely close to Jude and she'd only known her for a night.

"He knew I was pregnant when he asked me to come live with him, he knew about Tommy, I just really wish Tommy was here, I wish none of this has ever happened," The baby had fallen asleep at Jude's breast now, Michelle laid the precious bundle back into the small bed to let her rest, as Jude finally broke and began to sob.

"Jude I know the last thing you would want right now is to go to a shelter, especially with a newborn baby, I have plenty of room at my house, I would really like it if you and Aniyah would come and stay with me for a while, it would be good for me too, I would have someone to keep me company, and you and little Aniyah would be safe," Michelle looked at Jude trying to read her reaction to her question. Jude looked away for a moment, then back to Michelle, I couldn't do that, I don't want to be a burden on someone else." Jude chewed at her bottom lip out of nervous habit. "You and that beautiful little angel could never be a burden on me Jude, and like I said it would be good for all three of us. Think about it sweetie," Michelle squeezed her hand gently, as Jude looked at her. She was scared, but she could tell by the look on Michelle's face that she was serious about this. "I'm sorry, but are you sure I mean, if I did I promise not to be in the way." Jude asked almost in a whisper. "I'm positive Jude never been more sure, I would really like it if you would, we could make up a nursery, and it would be a lot of fun, as soon as you are healed that is, don't want you painting walls in pain, but I have two extra rooms, that aren't being used for anything else, the baby would sleep in a bassinet anyways for now, so she could room with you until you're feeling better from the c-section...No one would even have to know." Michelle finished. Jude looked her in the eye for a moment, before nodding. "Okay, yes. If you really want us we will come and stay with you. I don't want Andrew to hurt me anymore, and You're right I don't think I can handle a shelter right now. I can't tell anyone else either..." Jude trailed off again.

Michelle squeezed her hand gently again smiling, the released Jude's hand patting her leg she stood up. "Great!, we will make plans, but first you have to get some sleep while the little one is asleep, you wont be getting much of it now." Michelle said. She leaned down and gave Jude a hug, before leaving the room to let her get some sleep.


End file.
